Life After Task Forcing is HARD!

No one said life after task forcing would be this hard.

I have a constant ache in my heart because I miss my girls, teaching, coaching, "parenting", serving, and connecting. I feel out of place, selfish, alone, matured, unsettled and misunderstood.

I have experienced things that no one else can fully understand. I have lived a year in ministry and built relationships to the point of loving deeply but had to leave it all behind. School is about me and what I want to do, task forcing was about others and how I could serve them.

So where does this leave me now? What am I going to do with the knowledge I have gained? I have always been a fan of the saying, "if you don't like something, change it." Well, that's what I am working on. How can I change this? How can I find the place where I feel like I am constantly serving others again while balancing the craziness of school, family, and friends?

I am not sure of the answer to this, but I know that God will provide a way. He takes care of His children, He never fails.
Isaiah 42:16 holds a promise that I cling to more now then ever, "I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them." This is the unfamiliar path, this is the darkness, this is the rough place and my One True Love will not forsake me.

Sorry!

So I just got my computer back after over a month of not having it. Now I can blog again! :) Sorry for not blogging for SO long!

Be What You Should Be

I recently experienced the best weekend of my life. Well, I say that about almost every new weekend that comes because I just love life but you get the picture. I traveled to Andrews University to see Gungor live in concert with some of my closest friends. We often sing Gungor songs at vespers or church but to actually be able to worship with Gungor was such a blessing.

Michael Gungor sang a song called Song for my Family. It reminded me of my family because of a line that says, "This is a song for my family who just can’t believe in the Jesus that you’ve seen on Sunday morning." This hit me like a bag of bricks. I felt like he was singing to me. But I realized this song wasn't about the people who didn't believe. This song was for me; about those of us who live "inside the walls on Sunday morning". It is a song that calls us to a high standard of living. Of not rejecting, judging, and bringing others down. Of living as an example of Christ so others can believe in Him. Here are the lyrics, but better yet Youtube the song and soak in the words.

This is a song for my family outside the walls of Sunday morning from some within.
This is a song to confess our sins, lay it all out, and try to begin again.
To hope again.

Please forgive our ignorance in looking down on you
Please forgive our selfishness for hiding in our pews while the world bleeds
While the world needs us to be what we should be

This is a song for my family who just can’t believe in the Jesus that you’ve seen on Sunday morning.
This is a song for the cynical saints. The burned out and hopeless. The ones that we’ve cast away.
I feel your pain.

Please forgive the wastefulness of all that we could be, but don’t forget, there’s more than this
Her beauty still exists
His bride is still alive
His bride is still alive
His bride is still alive
His bride is still alive
His bride is still alive

This is a song for my family inside the walls of Sunday morning.
Be what you should be.


Lord, help me be what I should be.

I am

I am Courtney
I am 23 years old
I am a twin
I am an adventurer
I am a student
and I am done trying to "find myself"

Who I am is not what is important,
it's who I serve and how I reflect Him that is
I want to find more Jesus, not more me

"I am part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made—I am a disciple of His.

I won’t look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure. I’m finished and done with low living, sight walking, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, worldly-talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need pre-eminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don’t have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded or rewarded. I now live by faith, lean on His presence, walk by patience, am uplifted by prayer and I labor with power. My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are few, my Guide is reliable, my mission is clear.

I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, hired away, turned back, diluted, or delayed.
I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of the adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, pander at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.

I won’t give up, shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, preached up, prayed up, paid up, stored up for the cause of Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus, I must go till He comes, give till I drop, preach till all know and work till He stops me. And when He comes to claim His own, He’ll have no problems recognizing me. My banner will be clear!"

This is my prayer. That I can have faith like this.
All I want is more of Jesus.

My Life Needs To Change

After returning from task forcing I have found myself at a very low point in my life. I could not figure out what caused this until recently. As a task force worker you spend no time thinking about yourself. It is completely focused on ministry and the people around you. I loved it and now that I am back in school I feel selfish. My strongest desire right now is to serve ALL THE TIME. Not just a trip to the City Mission on Fridays but ALL the time.
Here are my slightly scattered thoughts about how my life needs to change and what I feel God is tugging at my heart strings with.

My heart is troubled. I have found that the church has a giant hole in it. As Adventists our typical Sabbath looks like this: Wake up late, eat breakfast, go to church, eat MASSIVE lunch, take too long of a nap, hang out with friends. This was pointed out to me by a friend who is Atheist. He saw this and questioned what we stood for. Why are we "wasting" our Sabbath. We call ourselves Christians but there is nothing Christian about what is listed above.
And here is the conclusion I have come to: Right now, we do waste the Sabbath with those very things. But it is only a waste because of how 99.9% of us spend the rest of the week, me included. I believe that if we spent the week taking care of others, feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, watching after widows and orphans, and building spiritual, mental, and physical relationship with all those in need then by the time Sabbath came we would be so exhausted that we could use the Sabbath for what it is. A day of rest and spiritual reconnection, after a week of giving all you have for Jesus. People in need want something so much more than our offering or even, yes I am about to say this, our prayers. They need relationships and connections. A face that smiles, a heart that cares, ears that listen, and hands and feet that move to make a difference. They need JESUS. And since He is no longer on Earth, we need to be their "Jesus".

Think for a second about the life of Christ. How much time did He spend sleeping in, eating massive meals, and taking naps? He spent His time with the nastiest, filthiest people you could find (Luke 5:13, John 8:3-8), healing the broken (Mark 10:51-52), and feeding the hungry (Mark 6:37-42). What are we doing with our lives? Mark Twain once said, "It's not the parts of the Bible I don't understand that scare me, but the parts I do understand." If we are really working to be more like Jesus then why do we know that these are the things He did, but we do not do them ourselves? Luke 6:40 says, "A student is not above his teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like his teacher." If Jesus is our teacher and guide then we should be like Him. I have not lived as a living, breathing representation of Jesus and I think that it is time for change in my life.

My Letter to Newbury Park Academy

So I have a friend who is speaking at NPAA for Week of Prayer and he asked me to write a letter to my students and explain what is on my heart for them this year. Here is what I wrote them:

Heelllllllllllooooo to all my Gators!
There is so much I want to say to you all but so little time :(
First off I would like to let you know that I miss and love you all SO SO SO much.
The reason that this silly looking guy is standing in front of you right now is actually my fault. It is not fair that Shane Wallace Anderson (he loves his full name and if I you could see me I would have just rolled my eyes) gets to be in California while I am in corn country but that's life and we'll just make do... I worked at summer camp with him and suggested that Pastor Rossi bring him out to speak for your Week of Prayer. Now, obviously I wouldn't have had Pastor Rossi bring him all the way to California just so you can stare at him, but the real reason is that Shane is someone who loves Jesus with all he has and wants others to be madly and deeply in love with Christ as well. The effect on my spiritual life that Shane had this summer made me want to share him and the way God uses him with you. My prayer is that through him you will all gain a better understanding of God's furious love for you and grow closer to Him.

I must say that I have many hopes, dreams, and prayers for NPAA even though I am thousands of miles away (1,541 to be exact). I pray this school year is a year of commitment to God and growing in Him and His love. Take the time to really talk with God, read your Bible and ask questions about who He is and what He is doing in your lives and the lives of others. I also pray that this is a year for building each other up, supporting one another through the hard times, and celebrating all the joyous occasions that life brings. Your life is an adventure and your life has meaning. James 4:8 says, "Come near to God and He will come near to you..." Now that's a promise to hold on to!

Until we meet again;
Prayers, Love, and Hugs
Courtney

Good food with a great friend

So recently me and one of my best friends Michael headed down 17th street to one of our favorite restaurants, The Greatful Bread. If you have never been, please go and check it out, you won't regret it.
As we sat and ate we started talking about our futures. He asked me where I thought I would end up teaching and if I still planned on going overseas to do The World Race. I told him about all the options I was debating but not really worrying too much about it because where I end up is ultimately God's decision. Then he proceeded to tell me about a book.

This book is entitled, The Irresistible Revolution. I had actually  just heard about this book for the first time this summer, when some friend suggested I read it, but have yet to get my hands on a copy. Michael told me that the author, Shane Claiborne, says something like we should not bother planning our lives because God will "mess up" our plans with His, He does it a lot through out the Bible.
I really liked this a lot because that is how God has revealed Himself to me mostly over the last few years. Just teaching me to wait on Him and know that His plans are higher and better than mine.

I am so glad to be blessed such amazing friends and family in my life. They build me up, keep me going, and bring me back when I have lost my way. Thank you Lord for relationships and community, it really is a beautiful thing.

It's broken

Growing up I never had to worry about who my best friend was. There was never any question of who I would have a play date with, plan sleepovers, or get the privilege of setting a volleyball to. I never had to worry about it until we grew up.

Most of you wouldn't understand what it is like growing up with a twin. You go through the highest of highs and lowest of lows with someone by your side. It's something that I will never be able to fully explain, but I feel so blessed to have had this in my life. Recently, I have realized how much me and my sister have not only grown up, but also grown apart. The thought alone almost brings me to tears.

It seemed to have started after our senior year of high school. I went to work at summer camp and my sister stayed in Nebraska doing, honestly, I don't know what. But when I came back after that summer things had changed. We had changed. It was clear that we were picking two very different roads in life. I picked a school that grew me spiritually and mentally and God used it to point me in the right direction for my life. She chose our volleyball scholarship, only to later quit the team, have her school close down, pick a major she doesn't love and party hard which broke a connection between us that may never be repaired.

I will never forget that first Sabbath that I sat in the pew alone.
I will never forget the words, "if you haven't noticed, church really isn't my thing anymore."

My sister told me this after many weeks of me asking her to go to vespers with me. Talk about a knife in the back... To some people this doesn't seem like much but to me it was the most heart wrenching thing I had heard in a long time. My family doesn't go to church and never has. Growing up my grandparents always took my sister and I to church so in my house she was my support. She was by my side. I lost that but as time has gone on I have accepted it and just continue to pray for her.
We are even more distant now then ever before and now is when I need her the most. I have found out things from other people that she no longer chooses to tell me and it hurts. It makes me question what I am doing wrong and what I did that would bring her to this point. I don't know how it got this way but all that I can pray for is a repaired relationship. I just need her so badly right now.

The Struggles Make You Stonger

I am not who I was before I left to task force and honestly, I don't like it.

The thing is, I would say that task forcing grew me spiritually, mentally, and emotionally and I should be proud and ready to move on the next phase of life.

But I'm not.

Maybe it's just some weird funk I have been in lately or maybe I realize that growing up means getting older and leaving precious things behind. Either way, it's uncomfortable.
The things that I once found solace in and that made me feel normal, now seem to alienate me and put me in a strange mood.
I am lost, searching for this part of me that was there just over a year ago and now is nowhere to be found. I am looking for answers. I was told and I knew that following God's plan for my life for a year was going to change me, but why am I not okay with it now?

I thought I had come to terms with "different being a good thing", maybe I haven't. Or maybe I just don't like this constant change happening around me and the lack of consistency that seems ever present in my life.  I have lived in three different states in the last 5 months building relationships, only to leave them behind; returning home to friends who moved off without a good bye; showing up to a school were I once knew everyone and now am surrounded by strangers.

It's a struggle but like Gary Allan once sang, "But the struggles make you stronger and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time. No, life ain't always beautiful, the tears will fall sometimes. Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride."
I am just glad to say that I have some consistency no matter what happens, even when I don't feel it. I have a God who never changes. Who loves me when I don't love me (or Him). Who never breaks our relationship, leaves when I return, says goodbye or is a stranger to my life. Life is changing, I am changing. It's a struggle, but I have a promise to hold on to.

Hebrews 13:8 - "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever."

Project Impact 2012

Project Impact 2012 just happened and what a blessing it was. I was more involved with it this year than any year before. Jayme did such a wonderful job leading out and it was a great success.

As I saw news cameras and heard about people going to radio stations to interview it made me ask myself a question: "What would I tell someone Project Impact was about and what does it mean to me?" So I searched and I found that Project Impact meant this:

1. Loving - The number one most important thing in life and what Jesus has called us to do. Loving others. Although I may not have directly worked with anyone one-on-one I know that I helped love someone that day, by just doing the simple things like cleaning and smiling.
2. Giving - Giving back to the community that have I grown up in and love so much. Giving to organizations and people who make a much bigger difference in people's lives then I ever feel like I could.
3. Service - A day time to step away from my selfishness and to serve those who really needed me. Like Christ who came to Earth to serve people, I was blessed by being able to reflect Him.

Galatians 5:13

¹³ You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love.

Transitions.

My last few months of task forcing were heart wrenching. Not only was I dealing with home sickness and the thought of having to tell my newly adopted 12 daughters good bye, but also tragedies.
During our alumni basketball game, one of our alumni died on the court during the game. Then I was dealing with a girl in my dorm who was sick only to find out that she had cancer. So I left task forcing empty and with a hole in my heart. (Don't get me wrong, task forcing was an AMAZING experience that grew me in ways that I never thought possible and I wouldn't trade for ANYTHING)

Next stop, Camp MiVoden. Another new place to meet new people and just try to survive. I must admit the first few weeks were a disaster for me. I struggled feeling like I was making friends and put forth the least amount of effort I have ever at camp because I was so empty. God is good and I made it through another summer and was used by God to bring kids closer to Him this summer.

Now... wow... I am back at Union. The place where I felt home and where I felt I belonged. And don't get me wrong, I still feel that, but this is not the same school I once attended. So many new faces. I am LOVING being back in school and meeting new people. I am making the transition and learning that different, no matter how many different things I have ran into through the past year, is good. Now I feel my struggle is my passion for ministry. I know it's there, I just can't seem to find it. It makes me frustrated and angry and being in Campus Ministering its an important aspect to have. I know it's in me, just where is it hiding? Suggestions for new ministries would be wonderful! I am looking for new and exciting things, especially in the outreach aspect. Brain storm with me friends.

I miss my Newbury Park family, but I am home and have an even clearer picture of what God wants to do with my life and I am so thankful for that. So bring on the newness and changes of life because I have been made stronger and am ready to take life head on with God by myside.

How Can I Be So Forgetful?

Just like the Israelites I can be so forgetful of what God has done in my life. A couple months ago I was reading through Exodus and I marked multiple places in my Bible where I couldn't understand how the Israelites could be so forgetful to what God had done for them coming out of Egypt. They saw the mighty hand of God working right in front of them in Egypt, were provided with food and water, and had a pillar of light guiding them. I felt that there was no way they could keep complaining and forgetting that God WILL pull them through, He ALWAYS does.

I felt that way until a couple weeks ago, then I understood. I understood the frustration and confusion. As I wrote in my previous blog, the one about God pulling me out of my comfort zone, I had forgotten what God had done in the past for me in the same situation I just dealt with.

When I was trying to decide what college to go to in 2008 I made a pact with God. (I often make pacts with God... I think it is just an easier way for me to see what He wants for me in my life) Anyway, I was stuck between where I was going to go: Dana College and take my volleyball scholarship or Union College. I told God that if I got hired at the camp that I had applied for months before then it would be His sign to me that I am supposed to go to Union. If not, I would go to Dana and play volleyball. The Dana volleyball coach told me she was calling me on a certain day so that was when I had to have my mind made up. Well, that day came around and I figured that I was going to end up at Dana, because I hadn't heard anything from the camp. Little did I know God had much bigger and different plans for my life. I got a call just THREE HOURS before the Dana coach called me and I got a job at camp. Boom, there was my answer so I ended up at Union. (And love every min of it!)

Back to my previous blog about comfort zones... I had three camp job offers. One I turned down right away but then was stuck between a job at ICC or MiVoden. Time passed and I got the idea that the job at MiVoden was no longer available so I told God that if I got the Girl's Director position at ICC it was my sign to work at camp otherwise I was going to be doing something else with my summer. I called, and the position had just been filled the week before. My heart broke. I was frustrated. I was confused. I love camp so much but it just meant God had other plans even if I didn't completely understand them at the moment.

I left for a week long mission trip and when I returned I had voice message and text from ICC telling me they had a job for me. I took it as God showing me I really needed to work at camp so I was fully prepared to call them the next day and accept the job. I was so excited, until the next morning.
I woke up to facebook message from my former camp director/new director at MiVoden's husband saying I needed to email her ASAP because she had a job for me. I contacted her and she told me this: "I will get right to the point since both of us r on mission trips. I asked Ed to FB u this morning and have u email me. I didn't bring any camp business with me. When I woke up this morning God impressed me to contact u. I did save a job for u. Was just going to contact u when I got back, but God said, no do it now." That's when I knew that God was calling me to camp, but which one?

After much prayer and talking it over with many people I felt I needed to take the job at MiVoden, so that is where I will be this summer. Working at camp, like I didn't think I was... God has a way of teaching me patience and trust that I tend to forget about. I love the way He works everything out for me when I ask Him. The words of Matthew 7:8 have become so real to me through these experiences. Now I just need to learn to remember, hold on to that promise, and wait patiently for God to answer.

I found these words on Pinterest and wrote them on my mirror to help me remember:
Trust in His timing
Rely on His promises
Wait for His answers
Believe in His miracles
Rejoice in His goodness
Relax in His presence

Comfort Zone?

I feel like I gave up one of the constants in my life, a big comfort zone for me. I have a deep passion for summer camp and the way God works though kids lives there and this summer I have turned down the opportunity to work at three different camps. It hurt so bad, but I made a deal with God saying that if I didn't get hired at one place then it was my sign that I wasn't supposed to work at camp. Well you can already see how that phone call went.

I received a phone call on Thursday that asked me if I would be willing to consider the job of being one of the main spiritual leaders on campus at Union next year. It terrified me, but the more I talked to people about it, the more I prayed about it the more I felt that maybe it was something I could handle. Even the talk that the week of prayer pastor had made me believe that that is what God had in store for me. The next afternoon I received a text saying that they had selected the person that was "running against me". I hadn't even had 24 hours to mill it over and it was taken from me. I was excited to do something way out of my comfort zone and find a new way to connect with my classmates.

Moving to California, away from my family and friends wasn't something I had in mind that I would ever be doing. But after turning down God's call once, I couldn't let it happen twice. I am now almost done with my school year in California, I can't believe I was so terrified to leave my comfort zone and move here. God has been more that God in every way.

The reason I write this is because after that phone call and after turning down summer camp I was devastated. I felt more lost then I had been in a long time. I was and still am so confused about what God is doing in my life this summer and next school year. I know I shouldn't worry about tomorrow, but it's my natural human state.
Well I brought this up to a friend and she told me that is God pulling me out of my comfort zone. When I heard this I burned with anger. I felt that it was a cop out answer, even though I knew that that is what she felt in her heart was going on. I don't know if I believe that. I know that the position at Union would have been nowhere near in my comfort zone. I like to think that there is so much more behind it then just God testing me and pulling me out of my comfort zone, but that always seems to be the answer I receive. Maybe I am just a little frustrated and don't understand God right now.

Failure is not an option.

My goal as a task force dean has been to have the biggest impact on my girls and students as I possible can, especially in a spiritual sense. Recently I feel like I have failed that goal.

After a basketball game I was walking home and saw one of my girls boyfriends leaving from the direction of the dorm. Thinking nothing of it I walked up to door and as I was opening it she was in the doorway with tears in her eyes and a dozen roses. She immediatly threw them in the trash can and stormed off the other way crying. It's over. Their years worth of a relationship has ended and her is heart and soul are broken. I didn't want to say anything at the moment so I just let her cool off and left my bed room door open so she could stop by if needed. I stayed up late hoping she would show up and she never did.

This brought my mind to where I have failed in creating a relationship with my girls where they don't want to talk to me about the worst of things that are happening in thier lives. Why I wasn't someone she trusted to talk to about it. All I want to do is help people and it hurts when I can't.
Now looking back on this experience I was probably being overdramatic. For all I know, she went straight to bed without talking to anyone. I just hate to see my girls hurting.

Failure is not an option with what I am doing out here this year. I have realized over the years that when God calls you to do something for Him, you can't fail unless you give up. I feel like Satan has filled me with a lot of doubt recently in my job and my ministry to these kids. Prayers please!

Wearing Thin

It's been a long haul. I have now officially been in California for 7 months and 1 week. I can't believe that I only have 4 months left, but at the same time I am so thankful.

I don't know if I am just dealing with lack of sleep, home sickness, stress of two new girls in my dorm or bottled up emotions but I feel like I am wearing thin. I seem to be tired all the time and I sadly don't get as much joy with being around my girls 24/7 as I used to. I am really longing for my friendships and deep conversations. Those aren't easy to have with high school students.

Tonight was a good night. I had "adult time" and play Settlers with friends, all above the age of 20! Then we had some awesome talks about religion and God. It was something that I needed. I just sat there and soaked it all in. I can't wait to have these conversations on a regular basis again. With the lack of time I get off I feel like I rarely get these opportunities with people. Some days you just need to sit down and have a deep conversation.

I don't like hitting slumps. I feel like it is a time of lack of gratefulness to God for all He has done in my life. I feel like it is falling short of everything that God has planned for me. I know this is just a slump and it will soon be over, and I am thankful for that!

God grant me patience, understanding, words of wisdom, and most importantly love unconditional.

Break Through

I had a break through this weekend and it was perfect.

This last Thursday I drove up the juniors and seniors to Pine Springs Ranch for Bible Camp. I was very reluctant to go at first but little did I know what God had planned for me there.
The first day we just went to one meeting and then had a staff meeting after. There the head pastor told us how our ministry this weekend would be our presence with the kids. By them seeing us at the meetings, it would show them that we care and wanted it to be a great experience. I didn't think twice about it, because of course I was going to be where the kids are, it's my favorite place. What happened on Friday night I never expected.

Friday night rolled around and after a long day of team building activities we had our evening meeting. I was standing among the kids, singing songs, when I noticed one of my students walk by and I just reached out and touched her. When I touched her she turned and hugged my legs (I was standing on a chair). She just stood there for a couple seconds before I asked, "Are you okay, do you need to talk?". She just shook her head 'yes' and off we went.
We went up the stairs to the top floor and sat on the top step. There she started telling me how frustrated she was getting because she was a student leader and wanted this weekend to be perfect and so uplifting for her family group, but there were students there that didn't want to be there. And how she really felt the devil was telling her she wasn't good enough to be a leader, and she was struggling with her boyfriend who didn't have a relationship with God. I told her everything I could, but mostly just listened, because I don't always know what to say. She poured her heart out to me and then I walked her back to her room and we sat down on her bed and I asked her if I could pray for her. It was apparently just what she wanted and I wrapped her in my arms and hugged her the whole time I prayed for her. As I was praying I found a tear running down my face. This was my first big, personal, spiritual experience with a student.

We didn't necessarily come to a conclusion to all her problems, but it was what both of needed at that moment. Often I have felt that I haven't had much of an impact on students in a spiritual sense. I give chapels every month and help out with campus ministries every time I get the chance, but it's hard to see the outcome of those things. This was a real experience and I have been praying that I would have one of those with a student this year. I felt like I could pack my bags and go home after that, although I never would, because I know God is going to use me even more here. The feeling that I got from sharing my experience with God and giving it to someone else is something that can never be replaced and that is what I want to do the rest of my life.

God is so good and continues to surprise me all the time. This year has had it's bumps in the road, but nothing can be so bad that this moment is covered. We have a God that loves us so much and wants us to succeed and I can't wait for that chance to share it with another student.

My future is The World Race?

God has impressed me to be so much more than I am. To reach out to others in ways I never thought I would be able to do. I want nothing more than to be used as His hands and His feet. He as shown me The World Race and I think it will be my next big adventure in life. Even though it maybe 2 years away, I am excited about it now. I can't stop thinking about it and reading other people's blogs about their experiences. It's unbelieveable!

You should all check it out :) www.theworldrace.org

Half of my Heart

I have always heard people talk about how their heart was in two different places. I never understood what that was like until now.

Half of my heart is in Nebraska and the other half has been swept off its feet and landed in California.
I never expected this to happen, but the nearness that I have felt to God, the relationships I have built, the hard times I have made it through, the new adventures I have experienced, and all the growing up I have done have completely changed my life.

The first couple months in California were a nightmare. I wasn't used to the big city with so much traffic (SO much). Things are very different here compared to where I have grown up my whole life and as mush as I hate to say it, I have fallen completely and utterly in love with California.

For some it would be the sunshine, for others it would be the ocean, but for me, it's where I have truly found God and myself. I feel like God has opened my eyes and my heart to what He desires most to do through me. I want to serve others for the rest of my life. I want to give my all to other people and love them like they have never been loved before. I felt like I have always had this desire but California has opened me up to the leaps and bounds that I am now willing to take to completely devote my life to the Lover of my Soul.

Part of me is sad because I couldn't find that in Lincoln, but I think what I needed was to leave my comfort zone of 21 years and come experience something that only God could pull me through. Although I have learned so much about God through everything Lincoln has done for me the other half (or more) I have been taught through California.

With that said, half of my heart will always belong to California and the other to Nebraska, but that split is exactly what I needed.

It WILL Change My Life.

The school I am task forcing at has given me a decision and what I decide will change my life forever.

Newbury Park has offered me a teaching/deaning position. I haven't graduated. I didn't ask for it. I didn't even know it was an option. They are even talking about helping me financially to finish my degree while working there. Now the decision is resting in God's hands.

PLEASE pray for this HUGE decision in my life.

Written on my mirror

I have this written on my mirror. I wake up and I see it every morning.

Smile because you can, because you are loved, because you are blessed, because you are beautiful, because someone else NEEDS it.
-Courtney Gutknecht

As you go though out your day remember to smile because you can. Not everyone has that privilege. Smile because you are loved by God, so many people, and me. Smile because you are blessed in more ways than you can see or count. Smile because you are more beautiful then you will ever know. And smile because there is someone who will need a smile today, they need that encouragement.

:)