I am not who I was before I left to task force and honestly, I don't like it.
The thing is, I would say that task forcing grew me spiritually, mentally, and emotionally and I should be proud and ready to move on the next phase of life.
But I'm not.
Maybe it's just some weird funk I have been in lately or maybe I realize that growing up means getting older and leaving precious things behind. Either way, it's uncomfortable.
The things that I once found solace in and that made me feel normal, now seem to alienate me and put me in a strange mood.
I am lost, searching for this part of me that was there just over a year ago and now is nowhere to be found. I am looking for answers. I was told and I knew that following God's plan for my life for a year was going to change me, but why am I not okay with it now?
I thought I had come to terms with "different being a good thing", maybe I haven't. Or maybe I just don't like this constant change happening around me and the lack of consistency that seems ever present in my life. I have lived in three different states in the last 5 months building relationships, only to leave them behind; returning home to friends who moved off without a good bye; showing up to a school were I once knew everyone and now am surrounded by strangers.
It's a struggle but like Gary Allan once sang, "But the struggles make you stronger and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time. No, life ain't always beautiful, the tears will fall sometimes. Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride."
I am just glad to say that I have some consistency no matter what happens, even when I don't feel it. I have a God who never changes. Who loves me when I don't love me (or Him). Who never breaks our relationship, leaves when I return, says goodbye or is a stranger to my life. Life is changing, I am changing. It's a struggle, but I have a promise to hold on to.
Hebrews 13:8 - "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever."
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