A Weekend with The One

Recently I spent a weekend traveling. Now you would think that that is nothing special, but I traveled in seven states in four days. This week has been exhausting to say the least, but those few days were something that I needed.

First, the campus ministering crew drove from Lincoln to Chicago for the Camp Ministries Convention. A three day retreat for Campus Ministries from all the Adventist schools to come together and share ideas and talk about Jesus. They picked the theme of Follower and man, it was just what I needed to hear. As leaders we sometimes get caught up in leading this and leading that, but we need to stop and remember that we are followers first. Followers of Christ.

My second stop was a flight to Spokane where I then drove to Hayden Lake, ID for camp leadership training. It was great to be able to come together and show the other leadership staff my vision for this summer. My vision for this summer is for kids to leave camp knowing Jesus. Plain and simple. Camp will look different this year, but what I have learned through my life is that a different way is good, even if it is a hard way. Look at Jesus' life. It was different in a very hard, but good, way.

The last and final stop was back to Chicago for The One Project. What a blessing that was. To hear so many different speakers talk about what God has placed on their hearts was thought provoking and mind altering.
One speaker in particular stuck out. Her name is Brandy Kirstein. Now you must understand that Brandy came and did a Power Pac at my college and it was rough around the edges to say the least. Not many of the students seemed too fond of her, but wow, she brought the Word at The One Project! She talked about how the church needed unity and how unity was not about what we agreed on but how we disagree on things. How in the end, even though we have our differences we are all working for the same goal and need that unity to accomplish it. Our church really does seem to be hurting for this. (Even Doug Batchelor would believe in women's ordination after hearing this girl!)

All in all, I walked away from this weekend never wanting to leave Chicago and those people, spiritually refreshed and ready, and once again longing to be doing so much more than I am. I learned, I grew, I renewed. God is good.

This Heart Was Made For...

Today, when I logged on Facebook I read a post from my friend who is in Cambodia as a student missionary. She was knifed and robbed. It wasn't that she was alone and walking where she shouldn't be, she was with a friend when someone decided they should take matters into their own hands. She is doing okay but will have a nice big scar. I told her that in Heaven, her and Jesus can share their scar stories :)

All of this could not have happened at a better time. (There is never a good time for it, but if there were it was now) I have just recently started to tell my mom about my desires to go overseas and teach, as in, I told her yesterday... She told me to make sure to get my name in at LPS and then I replied with something to the effect of, if I am even in this country teaching. When I first brought it up she seemed okay with it but inside I could tell she was dying. My mom has irrational fears, and I could see them all running though her head at once. She made a few excuses and then gave up until my grandparents came over for the Super Bowl. My mom turned to my grandma and said, "Courtney wants to teach in South Korea." (Which I don't but that's another story...) She then replied with a nice laugh. I brushed it off because this is something that I feel my heart was made for.

Then today, I told my mom this story about my friend in Cambodia. She responded with, "Doesn't this make you want to go overseas even more?" And I told her the honest truth. "Yes." This does not scare me or make me doubt what is heavy on my heart at this time. If anything, that person needs God's love and that is what I want to bring to people all over the world. In class today this verse came up: Acts 14:22, "strengthening the disciples and encouraging them to remain true to the faith. “We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God,” they said." Immediately, I thought of my friend in Cambodia and what it would be like if I go overseas. We have hard, tough, and very scary times in our lives, but we are built up by them and grow closer to God through them.

I just want to go somewhere where all the people have and need to live on is love. I want to go teach in another country and just love these kids who may not know love. I want to tell them about Jesus. I want to wrap them in my arms and tell them that it will all be okay.

I am single and it's OKAY!

This is from the perspective of someone who does not take relationships lightly. I believe that hearts are meant to be protected. So as you read this, think serious relationships, not those things that high schoolers throw around like a dodge ball.

I am 23 years old, a senior in college, and single.

Ahhhhhh!? What?! She is single and about to graduate? Poor thing, she'll never get married!
If these are the thoughts that went through your head then NEWS FLASH being single is okay. And don't feel bad it has gone through other people's heads as well.

I have found that once you reach my age or my point of college people start to freak out, either you yourself or everyone else for you, if you aren't dating someone, engaged, or married. The pressures to be in a relationship come from everywhere, family, friends, strangers who know your grandma and think they can match make for you, and the media. But I am here to say that the last few years of singleness have made me a better person and have been exactly what I needed.

Let's just start off with me admitting a thing or two... or three. First, I am selfish. Second, relationships scare me. Third, I have a better Love then this world can offer me.

You may be asking yourself, "Did she just say that she was selfish? What a terrible person. We should always be thinking about others, what a horrible thing, to be selfish." Well it maybe, but at least I am honest. I will say I feel that I am less selfish then my early years in college but it is still there. For a person to invest time, emotions, and love into someone is a big thing and should not be taken lightly. You have to stop always thinking about your needs and start thinking about theirs and this can be a hard task. I think that it is human nature to think about yourself first, protect yourself, fight for yourself, love yourself. Not saying that these things in certain amounts aren't okay, but we, me included, have too much of it.

Now you may be asking yourself, "What is there to be scared of in relationships? Really, this seems ridiculous." Well, relationships are terrifying because you never know how bad you will end up hurt. It's not about if you will get hurt, it's about how bad. Every relationship has it's ups and downs and take work and it scares me think that I may invest my time, emotions, and love into someone who will abuse them and end up hurting me. Although when picking the right person the ups will out way the downs. Hearts are not to be toyed with and relationships are a serious thing. Even though you may not believe that from looking at the divorce rate all around us.

Your last thought may now be something like this, "A better Love? Capital L... here goes that Jesus talk again..." or "Amen, sista, preach it! Jesus is the only love you need" Yes, I am about to talk about Jesus and yes He is the only love you need, but there is so much more that God has created us for... God has created us for relationships, relationships with Him and others. Most importantly is having a relationship with Him and in this time of singleness God and I have a lot to work on and try to figure out. I am confident that in His timing everything will work together for my good, because I love Him and that is a promise He makes me (Romans 8:28). If that means finding a guy or being single, it is in God's hands.

So please people, stop asking your grandma if she knows a nice man who will date me. Know that for me at this time being single is a blessing and I have full confidence in God's plan even if I don't always understand it. When you have that friend that is graduating or graduated only help if they want it, they maybe perfectly content where they are.
Below you will find a song that is a constant prayer in my life for God to be my everything. Listen and soak in the words. I hope it is your prayer as well.

Joys of January

This January is going to be such a huge spirit booster in my life. I have friends whom I have not seen in months or even years coming to visit. My camp director, Wendy, comes at the end of the month, Jamison comes on Monday, and Allison is back on Sunday.
Today Tyler got in. It has been a year and half since we have seen each other and communication is not our strong point. He is one of my best friends and someone I know I can tell everything to and he will not think any differently of me and also keep it to himself.
I have needed this. My trust issues have become more apparent to me then ever before. Things bother me and I just sweep them under the rug by putting a smile on my face and sugar coating it or by ignoring the situation all together. Even when I feel like I am drowning in something, I often think that it is easier or better to sink then swim.
I am so thankful that God knows whom we need in our lives when. What a great reminder of how He cares about us and uses other to reflect Him. And this is exactly who I needed at this moment.

Life After Task Forcing is HARD!

No one said life after task forcing would be this hard.

I have a constant ache in my heart because I miss my girls, teaching, coaching, "parenting", serving, and connecting. I feel out of place, selfish, alone, matured, unsettled and misunderstood.

I have experienced things that no one else can fully understand. I have lived a year in ministry and built relationships to the point of loving deeply but had to leave it all behind. School is about me and what I want to do, task forcing was about others and how I could serve them.

So where does this leave me now? What am I going to do with the knowledge I have gained? I have always been a fan of the saying, "if you don't like something, change it." Well, that's what I am working on. How can I change this? How can I find the place where I feel like I am constantly serving others again while balancing the craziness of school, family, and friends?

I am not sure of the answer to this, but I know that God will provide a way. He takes care of His children, He never fails.
Isaiah 42:16 holds a promise that I cling to more now then ever, "I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them." This is the unfamiliar path, this is the darkness, this is the rough place and my One True Love will not forsake me.

Sorry!

So I just got my computer back after over a month of not having it. Now I can blog again! :) Sorry for not blogging for SO long!

Be What You Should Be

I recently experienced the best weekend of my life. Well, I say that about almost every new weekend that comes because I just love life but you get the picture. I traveled to Andrews University to see Gungor live in concert with some of my closest friends. We often sing Gungor songs at vespers or church but to actually be able to worship with Gungor was such a blessing.

Michael Gungor sang a song called Song for my Family. It reminded me of my family because of a line that says, "This is a song for my family who just can’t believe in the Jesus that you’ve seen on Sunday morning." This hit me like a bag of bricks. I felt like he was singing to me. But I realized this song wasn't about the people who didn't believe. This song was for me; about those of us who live "inside the walls on Sunday morning". It is a song that calls us to a high standard of living. Of not rejecting, judging, and bringing others down. Of living as an example of Christ so others can believe in Him. Here are the lyrics, but better yet Youtube the song and soak in the words.

This is a song for my family outside the walls of Sunday morning from some within.
This is a song to confess our sins, lay it all out, and try to begin again.
To hope again.

Please forgive our ignorance in looking down on you
Please forgive our selfishness for hiding in our pews while the world bleeds
While the world needs us to be what we should be

This is a song for my family who just can’t believe in the Jesus that you’ve seen on Sunday morning.
This is a song for the cynical saints. The burned out and hopeless. The ones that we’ve cast away.
I feel your pain.

Please forgive the wastefulness of all that we could be, but don’t forget, there’s more than this
Her beauty still exists
His bride is still alive
His bride is still alive
His bride is still alive
His bride is still alive
His bride is still alive

This is a song for my family inside the walls of Sunday morning.
Be what you should be.


Lord, help me be what I should be.