Being Vulnerable

This summer I shared something with hundreds of people that I have never been able to share with anyone since it started in early high school. My family and best friends still have no clue. I discovered the pain and peace that comes with vulnerability and how deep of a fear I have of being judged.

I don't exactly remember how it all started but I went through phases of being depressed off and on through high school and it carried on into college. The depression circled around the way I looked, how I couldn't live up to some ability that some else had, and eventually how my family didn't notice my pain. I didn't know how to deal with it so I turned to cutting. (It scares me to even write that word out, and it's not the fact of, "Wow, I actually used to hurt myself", but that people will think I am crazy.). I would cut myself where no one would see it, because the last thing I wanted was pity. I wanted to find the people who cared enough to ask if I had problems without showing them I had one. I remember standing in the shower one day knowing that if I cut myself across my wrist it would heal but if I cut it down my arm, where a main vein runs, I would die. I just had to decide that day if I wanted to live or die. When I realized my family and friends didn't notice my pain it hurt me. It was a struggle. It was lonely. I was scared.

I opened up and shared this at camp during our Cardboard Testimony skit (My Cardboard Testimony read: CUTTER... Healed By HIS Love) and I broke down crying after. I cried out of fear of what people would say and think about me. I cried because the pain I had held on to for so long was finally somewhat released. I cried because I felt that someone had finally seen what I was going through. I learned that being vulnerable is hard and scary, but can often lead to greater things. Sharing my struggle brought me a small community of others who had the same struggle I did and even though it was uncomfortable, it finally felt okay to talk about it with someone. I would love to say that I am done with cutting, but the sad part is that it is always there in the back of my mind. Even though I haven't acted on it, the demon is still there on occasion.

This world is a crappy place but there are better things in store for us; I am so thankful for that. . I am thankful that I don't have to label myself as a cutter anymore, that I have found a community who supports me, and most of all that God's love covers our pain and poor decisions. The struggle may always be there, but I know I am healed and loved by Him.