Being Vulnerable

This summer I shared something with hundreds of people that I have never been able to share with anyone since it started in early high school. My family and best friends still have no clue. I discovered the pain and peace that comes with vulnerability and how deep of a fear I have of being judged.

I don't exactly remember how it all started but I went through phases of being depressed off and on through high school and it carried on into college. The depression circled around the way I looked, how I couldn't live up to some ability that some else had, and eventually how my family didn't notice my pain. I didn't know how to deal with it so I turned to cutting. (It scares me to even write that word out, and it's not the fact of, "Wow, I actually used to hurt myself", but that people will think I am crazy.). I would cut myself where no one would see it, because the last thing I wanted was pity. I wanted to find the people who cared enough to ask if I had problems without showing them I had one. I remember standing in the shower one day knowing that if I cut myself across my wrist it would heal but if I cut it down my arm, where a main vein runs, I would die. I just had to decide that day if I wanted to live or die. When I realized my family and friends didn't notice my pain it hurt me. It was a struggle. It was lonely. I was scared.

I opened up and shared this at camp during our Cardboard Testimony skit (My Cardboard Testimony read: CUTTER... Healed By HIS Love) and I broke down crying after. I cried out of fear of what people would say and think about me. I cried because the pain I had held on to for so long was finally somewhat released. I cried because I felt that someone had finally seen what I was going through. I learned that being vulnerable is hard and scary, but can often lead to greater things. Sharing my struggle brought me a small community of others who had the same struggle I did and even though it was uncomfortable, it finally felt okay to talk about it with someone. I would love to say that I am done with cutting, but the sad part is that it is always there in the back of my mind. Even though I haven't acted on it, the demon is still there on occasion.

This world is a crappy place but there are better things in store for us; I am so thankful for that. . I am thankful that I don't have to label myself as a cutter anymore, that I have found a community who supports me, and most of all that God's love covers our pain and poor decisions. The struggle may always be there, but I know I am healed and loved by Him.

Happiness is a choice

The last few weeks of camp it became apparent to me that how we feel about something, especially something negative, is our choice. How we are going to handle the situation that is dealt our way is something that we decide. We can take it in a positive way and see the ways we are growing or we can take the negative and let it ruin our day, week, or summer.

I started out where camp had become a miserable place for me to be. Being the people pleaser that I am, when I failed to please a large group of people, it effected me and I did not handle it the best I could have. I realized that I was unhappy, and that being happy (or unhappy) is a choice. So I fought to keep that choice in my mind and what a battle it was.

I found it easier to complain about a situation then try to fix it, but I was sick of complaining and the constant unrest that it brought and knew it had to end, and for the most part it seemed to work. I walked away from my summer having a positive attitude with a new life lesson learned. I did more then just survived; I experienced, I grew, and I'd like to think I changed, even if just a little. Changed into a more positive person, who can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
After all, doesn't Jesus call us to that kind of life. As Paul wrote, a life in which we are to "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Where even in the hard times we can find something to be thankful for.

Don't let the hard times bring you down. Stay strong and find the good. It's easier said then done, but I pray the Lord continues to change my heart and way of thinking.