My Heart Is Full

This week was better. My heart is full.

I love kids and I love teaching. This week has been a blessing. I got to start working with the elementary school! My first day in the classroom I got a note that read "I Love You Mrs. G" and the second day I was lucky enough to hear about how much I helped a student understand their math assignment. There is so much love to go around. There is nothing else I want to do for the rest of my life, but just simply love my students.

Today, after 26 days of not seeing light from the sky, God opened up the clouds and gave me just what I needed. The sun shone brightly through the almost cloudless sky. What a beautiful site. Then tonight, on mine and Jessica's drive home we got to see the stars. It was these simple moments that reminded me that God knows just what we need and He takes care of us.

Tonight I was on duty and was not that excited for vespers because I wasn't feeling the best, but God woke me up and made me realize what amazing young people I am surrounded by. One of the task force girl's deans gave her testimony and it was beautiful. The things God has done in her life are nothing short of incredible and I am so blessed to be able to work with her. After vespers we all stood around the piano and sang. It was great to worship with my students in a new way.  

My heart is full and I can't express it enough. I have not felt this good since before being out here. The Lord has blessed me so much more then this, but it took these moments for me to embrace it. Like Proverbs says, "A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones" I have finally found a joyful heart, I pray that I can remember this and continue to stay positive.

Serving and Blessings

After a wonderful week in Colorado I finally made it to Upper Columbia Academy. My first day on the job I was already asked to take over the dorm because all of the other girl’s deans were gone. No one died and nothing burned down so I would call it a successful first day. The second day, I subbed for the janitorial staff and started my training in attendance. Later that night someone pulled the fire alarm at 11:45pm; it had snowed all day... I walked outside upset and said that the building had better be burning down! It didn’t and that was okay because it ended up giving us a warm place to go to after. The third day was full of subbing. They waste no time throwing me into all sorts of different positions! With having a sick teacher, I got to sub all five of his classes and do attendance. It made for a very long day. Today, I woke up and got to sub all day again. It is never ending. One week and I am already exhausted and I feel completely lost. I have not had any of the rules gone over with me or anything.

It's been eventful, it's been tiring, it's been different, but most of all it has been a blessing. I feel blessed to have a job that allows me to be involved in so many different people's lives and especially the lives of youth. I am blessed to have the support of family and friends. I am blessed to experience new and different things no matter how hard they seem or how lost I feel. It's hard to be so far away from the ones I care about the most but as I read in my devotional the other day; by following God's plan, other people's plans may be ruined, but it is what we have to do to live faithfully for Him. God will take care of those I had to leave behind to follow His calling for my life and I am so blessed to serve a God who cares about everything I care about. He cares about them even more than I ever could and I am so thankful for that. 

I Am Thankful

I am thankful for my loving and supportive family. There is a lot of change about to happen in my life and I couldn't have asked for a better group of people to push me through it. I especially am thankful for my mom.

My mom and I have become very close through my travels away from home. Moving to California was hard on both of us, but the hard times only made our relationship stronger. Growing up, I did not want to be friends with my mom. I thought she was so uncool and did not let me have any fun. Now I realize my mom is the kindest, most loving, forgiving, and service oriented person I know. Even though I am moving to Washington, she still bought me a plane ticket to visit Colorado before I leave. This is going to cut our time together in half, but she did it anyway. She always goes out of her way to do things for not only her family, but everyone she knows. My mom is loyal and trustworthy, funny and strange. And I realize more and more how much I am like her. I never wanted to be like my mom until now.
I am thankful for the rest of my family, who even though moving means I won't see them very often, they still support me 150%. I love them dearly and so glad God has blessed me with such wonderful, hilarious, and crazy people in my life.

I am also especially thankful for my friends. I have the most amazing friends. Just like with my family I am leaving them behind which is hard on all of us but they continually support me and look out for me. I do not know where I would be without them. This move to Washington is going to effect many of my friendships by putting a lot of distance between us. It is a bummer but I know that we will make it. Moving to Washington also means I get to be closer to other friends whom I barely see, so it is an awesome growing opportunity for our relationships. I am thankful that so many of my friends see past the fact that I am moving and are willing to work through the distance. It truly is when you find who your true friends are.

God is good and I am thankful.

Life As We Know It

I was in the mood for some country music so I hunted down some of Lady Antebellum's new stuff and fell in love with quite a few of their songs. The song "Life As We Know It" (lyrics at the bottom) really stuck out to me. I am growing up, and much as I don't want to accept that, I have to. Of course, like I always say, I will only act my age when I am dead. Not acting your age is a choice but becoming and adult is not, which is dumb. College ends in less than one week. AHH. I move in just under a month. AHHH AHHH. I know that I have committed myself to ministry and I can't back out, but part of me wants to.

I have found that change is a positive thing. It is hard, but does life exist with out change? I am convinced that we just become adjusted to small, slow changes and when the big ones come we often feel that we don't know how to handle them. After all these years of sudden changes, I feel like I should be more prepared and maybe I am, maybe I am just overthinking it... like I always do. God has pulled me through, and He'll do it again. He always does. I will handle this, I will make it through. One day at a time.

One day at a time. That is how I'll be handling these changes. Some days will be better than others. One day. 24 hours. I can make it through one day. I can survive 24 hours. But I can't do it alone, I need God, my family, friends, prayers, patience, understanding, and a lot of love.

I know the road you know ain't quite the way you planned it
But the twists and turns are all part of the magic
And believe me you'll get through it, you'll see

So don't be afraid of the things you cannot change
As the sun surely follows the rain
I believe that you can't try to lead or control it
'Cause that's just life as we know it

Indecisive Decisions.

I am done at Union in one month. EXACTLY one month from today I will finish my last day of student teaching and officially no longer be a student for the first time in 18 years. YIKES.

Being a December graduate, I did not think I would have many job opportunities because not too many schools higher for January. I figured I would just stay in Lincoln and substitute for a semester until I could get a job for the following school year. Well, as you know, the Lord loves to shower gifts upon his children and so far I have had 3 job offers and one potential job offer. The Lord has blessed me in a major way! This was all so exciting but then when I actually had to start interviewing and making phone calls it became a huge stress. Where do I go? What do I ask? How will I pay off my loans? are just a few of the many questions I asked myself.

After many prayers, careful thought, and insightful conversations I have narrowed my options down to two. I am torn between these two options; I want to be in two places at once. But I can't be, so I have to make a decision. I don't feel God pulling me one way or the other and like Emily reminded me of Pastor Rich's words, "There is good and good, and where ever you choose, God will bless." It is awesome to be reminded that as long as we follow God's lead He will bless us in our efforts where ever we are and that He gives us choices in our relationship. My problem is that I am a very indecisive person and I feel that I need God to smack me in the face with where to go, but I just don't think that it will happen like that this time. It will be an adventure where ever I end up, but right now I just need a lot of prayers.

Father help me trust, help me listen, help me decide. Give me clarity, give me purpose, give me Jesus.

Stuff My Students Say...

Student teaching has been an awesome experience. I love my fifth graders and they say and do some funny stuff. So I am going to share the joy with you lovely people. I hope this warms your heart as much as it did mine :)

Mrs. Allyn was asking for students to help with bathroom breaks for the kindergarten classroom , one student 'O' was out of the room and came in after the explanation was finished and she saw many students with their hands raised. This is what I witnessed from the back of the room:
O: walks in and sees students with hands up. Raises her hand. Mrs. A says her name, O asks the students next to her what is going on. Student does not reply. Then Mrs. A draws her name from the bucket. O then fist pumps, says "yesssss" very excitedly and then..... ask the student next to her' "What is going on? Why did she call my name?"

D: "She has a gold wedding ring!!?, so she is rich then?"

F: "You need diamonds to get married"
Mrs. A: I'd rather have a husband who loves me than my ring."
F: pause....... "I'd rather have the diamond."

Me: "What is a country? Name me one."
G: "Alabama?"

C: "Ms. G, can I have a hug?"
Me: "Of course you can C___!"
C: "Ms. G sounds like Alanis Morrisette!"

Mrs. A: "He is a really neat guy"
S: "Uhh, but Mrs. Allyn, you're MARRIED!"

Being Vulnerable

This summer I shared something with hundreds of people that I have never been able to share with anyone since it started in early high school. My family and best friends still have no clue. I discovered the pain and peace that comes with vulnerability and how deep of a fear I have of being judged.

I don't exactly remember how it all started but I went through phases of being depressed off and on through high school and it carried on into college. The depression circled around the way I looked, how I couldn't live up to some ability that some else had, and eventually how my family didn't notice my pain. I didn't know how to deal with it so I turned to cutting. (It scares me to even write that word out, and it's not the fact of, "Wow, I actually used to hurt myself", but that people will think I am crazy.). I would cut myself where no one would see it, because the last thing I wanted was pity. I wanted to find the people who cared enough to ask if I had problems without showing them I had one. I remember standing in the shower one day knowing that if I cut myself across my wrist it would heal but if I cut it down my arm, where a main vein runs, I would die. I just had to decide that day if I wanted to live or die. When I realized my family and friends didn't notice my pain it hurt me. It was a struggle. It was lonely. I was scared.

I opened up and shared this at camp during our Cardboard Testimony skit (My Cardboard Testimony read: CUTTER... Healed By HIS Love) and I broke down crying after. I cried out of fear of what people would say and think about me. I cried because the pain I had held on to for so long was finally somewhat released. I cried because I felt that someone had finally seen what I was going through. I learned that being vulnerable is hard and scary, but can often lead to greater things. Sharing my struggle brought me a small community of others who had the same struggle I did and even though it was uncomfortable, it finally felt okay to talk about it with someone. I would love to say that I am done with cutting, but the sad part is that it is always there in the back of my mind. Even though I haven't acted on it, the demon is still there on occasion.

This world is a crappy place but there are better things in store for us; I am so thankful for that. . I am thankful that I don't have to label myself as a cutter anymore, that I have found a community who supports me, and most of all that God's love covers our pain and poor decisions. The struggle may always be there, but I know I am healed and loved by Him.