This summer I shared something with hundreds of people that I have never been able to share with anyone since it started in early high school. My family and best friends still have no clue. I discovered the pain and peace that comes with vulnerability and how deep of a fear I have of being judged.
I don't exactly remember how it all started but I went through phases of being depressed off and on through high school and it carried on into college. The depression circled around the way I looked, how I couldn't live up to some ability that some else had, and eventually how my family didn't notice my pain. I didn't know how to deal with it so I turned to cutting. (It scares me to even write that word out, and it's not the fact of, "Wow, I actually used to hurt myself", but that people will think I am crazy.). I would cut myself where no one would see it, because the last thing I wanted was pity. I wanted to find the people who cared enough to ask if I had problems without showing them I had one. I remember standing in the shower one day knowing that if I cut myself across my wrist it would heal but if I cut it down my arm, where a main vein runs, I would die. I just had to decide that day if I wanted to live or die. When I realized my family and friends didn't notice my pain it hurt me. It was a struggle. It was lonely. I was scared.
I opened up and shared this at camp during our Cardboard Testimony skit (My Cardboard Testimony read: CUTTER... Healed By HIS Love) and I broke down crying after. I cried out of fear of what people would say and think about me. I cried because the pain I had held on to for so long was finally somewhat released. I cried because I felt that someone had finally seen what I was going through. I learned that being vulnerable is hard and scary, but can often lead to greater things. Sharing my struggle brought me a small community of others who had the same struggle I did and even though it was uncomfortable, it finally felt okay to talk about it with someone. I would love to say that I am done with cutting, but the sad part is that it is always there in the back of my mind. Even though I haven't acted on it, the demon is still there on occasion.
This world is a crappy place but there are better things in store for us; I am so thankful for that. . I am thankful that I don't have to label myself as a cutter anymore, that I have found a community who supports me, and most of all that God's love covers our pain and poor decisions. The struggle may always be there, but I know I am healed and loved by Him.
Friday, August 30, 2013
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Happiness is a choice
The last few weeks of camp it became apparent to me that how we feel about something, especially something negative, is our choice. How we are going to handle the situation that is dealt our way is something that we decide. We can take it in a positive way and see the ways we are growing or we can take the negative and let it ruin our day, week, or summer.
I started out where camp had become a miserable place for me to be. Being the people pleaser that I am, when I failed to please a large group of people, it effected me and I did not handle it the best I could have. I realized that I was unhappy, and that being happy (or unhappy) is a choice. So I fought to keep that choice in my mind and what a battle it was.
I found it easier to complain about a situation then try to fix it, but I was sick of complaining and the constant unrest that it brought and knew it had to end, and for the most part it seemed to work. I walked away from my summer having a positive attitude with a new life lesson learned. I did more then just survived; I experienced, I grew, and I'd like to think I changed, even if just a little. Changed into a more positive person, who can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
After all, doesn't Jesus call us to that kind of life. As Paul wrote, a life in which we are to "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Where even in the hard times we can find something to be thankful for.
Don't let the hard times bring you down. Stay strong and find the good. It's easier said then done, but I pray the Lord continues to change my heart and way of thinking.
I started out where camp had become a miserable place for me to be. Being the people pleaser that I am, when I failed to please a large group of people, it effected me and I did not handle it the best I could have. I realized that I was unhappy, and that being happy (or unhappy) is a choice. So I fought to keep that choice in my mind and what a battle it was.
I found it easier to complain about a situation then try to fix it, but I was sick of complaining and the constant unrest that it brought and knew it had to end, and for the most part it seemed to work. I walked away from my summer having a positive attitude with a new life lesson learned. I did more then just survived; I experienced, I grew, and I'd like to think I changed, even if just a little. Changed into a more positive person, who can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
After all, doesn't Jesus call us to that kind of life. As Paul wrote, a life in which we are to "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Where even in the hard times we can find something to be thankful for.
Don't let the hard times bring you down. Stay strong and find the good. It's easier said then done, but I pray the Lord continues to change my heart and way of thinking.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
That Camp Life
I seem to have gotten so caught up in life that blogging has really taken a back seat. But I have missed it so I am glad to be writing once again. I tend to blog when I am going through something very emotional and camp this summer has been nothing short of that.
Two things most of my friends know about me is that I am a people person and a camp person. I love people and kids which has always made camp an easy thing for me to love and get absorbed in. It is a ministry that I feel God always uses me in. Camp was something that was life changing for me and I only want to give that to the kids that had the same struggles I did. And it seems that I have been able to do this for the last 5 years and love every minute of it. That is until this summer.
I did not want to be the programming director; I even told my camp director 3 times that I absolutely did not want to do it. But here I am, programming director. God has an interesting way of working and this is one time I question often why I was brought here. In fact, I have almost packed my bags four times.
MiVoden is a great camp with a lot of awesome people. But it is a camp that THRIVES off of tradition. Change is an extremely hard thing for the staff here. I have a program that looks nothing like what any of their past programs have looked like and this has caused a lot of unrest among the staff. It is frustrating because I know God put this program together, but the devil works hard to break relationships and bring people down when he is scared. The devil is working to break us down and honestly right now it feels like we are barely going to make it by.
Instead of people talking about their problems they hold them in until they are ready to burst. They complain to one another and never bring them to the people that they are having the problem with. This has happened a lot with me, because most of the change has come from the programming side of things. I am burning out, I am saddened that it has come to all of this. I need prayer, we need prayer. I have two and a half weeks left on my contract and I honestly don't know if I can make it. I know that God has me here for a reason but it's sometimes hard to see. God always pulls through and I hope this time it is sooner than later.
Two things most of my friends know about me is that I am a people person and a camp person. I love people and kids which has always made camp an easy thing for me to love and get absorbed in. It is a ministry that I feel God always uses me in. Camp was something that was life changing for me and I only want to give that to the kids that had the same struggles I did. And it seems that I have been able to do this for the last 5 years and love every minute of it. That is until this summer.
I did not want to be the programming director; I even told my camp director 3 times that I absolutely did not want to do it. But here I am, programming director. God has an interesting way of working and this is one time I question often why I was brought here. In fact, I have almost packed my bags four times.
MiVoden is a great camp with a lot of awesome people. But it is a camp that THRIVES off of tradition. Change is an extremely hard thing for the staff here. I have a program that looks nothing like what any of their past programs have looked like and this has caused a lot of unrest among the staff. It is frustrating because I know God put this program together, but the devil works hard to break relationships and bring people down when he is scared. The devil is working to break us down and honestly right now it feels like we are barely going to make it by.
Instead of people talking about their problems they hold them in until they are ready to burst. They complain to one another and never bring them to the people that they are having the problem with. This has happened a lot with me, because most of the change has come from the programming side of things. I am burning out, I am saddened that it has come to all of this. I need prayer, we need prayer. I have two and a half weeks left on my contract and I honestly don't know if I can make it. I know that God has me here for a reason but it's sometimes hard to see. God always pulls through and I hope this time it is sooner than later.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Just Breath
I went to The Story Tellers Tour with Andrew Peterson and Jason Gray. So great!
Jason sang a song called “The Sound Of Our Breathing” and explained how "it was inspired by a teaching I heard a few years ago about how God’s name, YHWH, is comprised of aspirated consonants that, spoken, are the sound of breathing." He talked about how maybe it was like this because God is in every breath we take, every heavy sigh of frustration, every nasty heaving sound we make as we cry and every joyous song that we sing. God is there through it all, as breath is in our body.
I had never heard this, and what a beautiful thing it is. I am holding on to this. Holding on to my God that is on every breath that comes from my simple lips.
This reminded me that every word I say is a reflection of my Savior. I have heard it so many times but this moment made it real. I need to watch my words, sometimes it's so easy to say how bad something is or talk bad about that person that offended me. God is on my lips, I am reflecting Him, time to dig deep and watch my mouth.
I ran across this quote, "Open your mouth, only if what you are about to speak is more beautiful than silence." and "If you can't be kind, be quiet." We reflect Christ, we nee to speak words of love and life or stay silent. It's a struggle, even James knew it would be "but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison." (James 3:8) So I pray we learn to tame the poison of our tongues and remember that God is there for every breath.
Jason sang a song called “The Sound Of Our Breathing” and explained how "it was inspired by a teaching I heard a few years ago about how God’s name, YHWH, is comprised of aspirated consonants that, spoken, are the sound of breathing." He talked about how maybe it was like this because God is in every breath we take, every heavy sigh of frustration, every nasty heaving sound we make as we cry and every joyous song that we sing. God is there through it all, as breath is in our body.
I had never heard this, and what a beautiful thing it is. I am holding on to this. Holding on to my God that is on every breath that comes from my simple lips.
This reminded me that every word I say is a reflection of my Savior. I have heard it so many times but this moment made it real. I need to watch my words, sometimes it's so easy to say how bad something is or talk bad about that person that offended me. God is on my lips, I am reflecting Him, time to dig deep and watch my mouth.
I ran across this quote, "Open your mouth, only if what you are about to speak is more beautiful than silence." and "If you can't be kind, be quiet." We reflect Christ, we nee to speak words of love and life or stay silent. It's a struggle, even James knew it would be "but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison." (James 3:8) So I pray we learn to tame the poison of our tongues and remember that God is there for every breath.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
A Weekend with The One
Recently I spent a weekend traveling. Now you would think that that is nothing special, but I traveled in seven states in four days. This week has been exhausting to say the least, but those few days were something that I needed.
First, the campus ministering crew drove from Lincoln to Chicago for the Camp Ministries Convention. A three day retreat for Campus Ministries from all the Adventist schools to come together and share ideas and talk about Jesus. They picked the theme of Follower and man, it was just what I needed to hear. As leaders we sometimes get caught up in leading this and leading that, but we need to stop and remember that we are followers first. Followers of Christ.
My second stop was a flight to Spokane where I then drove to Hayden Lake, ID for camp leadership training. It was great to be able to come together and show the other leadership staff my vision for this summer. My vision for this summer is for kids to leave camp knowing Jesus. Plain and simple. Camp will look different this year, but what I have learned through my life is that a different way is good, even if it is a hard way. Look at Jesus' life. It was different in a very hard, but good, way.
The last and final stop was back to Chicago for The One Project. What a blessing that was. To hear so many different speakers talk about what God has placed on their hearts was thought provoking and mind altering.
One speaker in particular stuck out. Her name is Brandy Kirstein. Now you must understand that Brandy came and did a Power Pac at my college and it was rough around the edges to say the least. Not many of the students seemed too fond of her, but wow, she brought the Word at The One Project! She talked about how the church needed unity and how unity was not about what we agreed on but how we disagree on things. How in the end, even though we have our differences we are all working for the same goal and need that unity to accomplish it. Our church really does seem to be hurting for this. (Even Doug Batchelor would believe in women's ordination after hearing this girl!)
All in all, I walked away from this weekend never wanting to leave Chicago and those people, spiritually refreshed and ready, and once again longing to be doing so much more than I am. I learned, I grew, I renewed. God is good.
First, the campus ministering crew drove from Lincoln to Chicago for the Camp Ministries Convention. A three day retreat for Campus Ministries from all the Adventist schools to come together and share ideas and talk about Jesus. They picked the theme of Follower and man, it was just what I needed to hear. As leaders we sometimes get caught up in leading this and leading that, but we need to stop and remember that we are followers first. Followers of Christ.
My second stop was a flight to Spokane where I then drove to Hayden Lake, ID for camp leadership training. It was great to be able to come together and show the other leadership staff my vision for this summer. My vision for this summer is for kids to leave camp knowing Jesus. Plain and simple. Camp will look different this year, but what I have learned through my life is that a different way is good, even if it is a hard way. Look at Jesus' life. It was different in a very hard, but good, way.
The last and final stop was back to Chicago for The One Project. What a blessing that was. To hear so many different speakers talk about what God has placed on their hearts was thought provoking and mind altering.
One speaker in particular stuck out. Her name is Brandy Kirstein. Now you must understand that Brandy came and did a Power Pac at my college and it was rough around the edges to say the least. Not many of the students seemed too fond of her, but wow, she brought the Word at The One Project! She talked about how the church needed unity and how unity was not about what we agreed on but how we disagree on things. How in the end, even though we have our differences we are all working for the same goal and need that unity to accomplish it. Our church really does seem to be hurting for this. (Even Doug Batchelor would believe in women's ordination after hearing this girl!)
All in all, I walked away from this weekend never wanting to leave Chicago and those people, spiritually refreshed and ready, and once again longing to be doing so much more than I am. I learned, I grew, I renewed. God is good.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
This Heart Was Made For...
Today, when I logged on Facebook I read a post from my friend who is in Cambodia as a student missionary. She was knifed and robbed. It wasn't that she was alone and walking where she shouldn't be, she was with a friend when someone decided they should take matters into their own hands. She is doing okay but will have a nice big scar. I told her that in Heaven, her and Jesus can share their scar stories :)
All of this could not have happened at a better time. (There is never a good time for it, but if there were it was now) I have just recently started to tell my mom about my desires to go overseas and teach, as in, I told her yesterday... She told me to make sure to get my name in at LPS and then I replied with something to the effect of, if I am even in this country teaching. When I first brought it up she seemed okay with it but inside I could tell she was dying. My mom has irrational fears, and I could see them all running though her head at once. She made a few excuses and then gave up until my grandparents came over for the Super Bowl. My mom turned to my grandma and said, "Courtney wants to teach in South Korea." (Which I don't but that's another story...) She then replied with a nice laugh. I brushed it off because this is something that I feel my heart was made for.
Then today, I told my mom this story about my friend in Cambodia. She responded with, "Doesn't this make you want to go overseas even more?" And I told her the honest truth. "Yes." This does not scare me or make me doubt what is heavy on my heart at this time. If anything, that person needs God's love and that is what I want to bring to people all over the world. In class today this verse came up: Acts 14:22, "strengthening the disciples and encouraging them to remain true to the faith. “We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God,” they said." Immediately, I thought of my friend in Cambodia and what it would be like if I go overseas. We have hard, tough, and very scary times in our lives, but we are built up by them and grow closer to God through them.
I just want to go somewhere where all the people have and need to live on is love. I want to go teach in another country and just love these kids who may not know love. I want to tell them about Jesus. I want to wrap them in my arms and tell them that it will all be okay.
All of this could not have happened at a better time. (There is never a good time for it, but if there were it was now) I have just recently started to tell my mom about my desires to go overseas and teach, as in, I told her yesterday... She told me to make sure to get my name in at LPS and then I replied with something to the effect of, if I am even in this country teaching. When I first brought it up she seemed okay with it but inside I could tell she was dying. My mom has irrational fears, and I could see them all running though her head at once. She made a few excuses and then gave up until my grandparents came over for the Super Bowl. My mom turned to my grandma and said, "Courtney wants to teach in South Korea." (Which I don't but that's another story...) She then replied with a nice laugh. I brushed it off because this is something that I feel my heart was made for.
Then today, I told my mom this story about my friend in Cambodia. She responded with, "Doesn't this make you want to go overseas even more?" And I told her the honest truth. "Yes." This does not scare me or make me doubt what is heavy on my heart at this time. If anything, that person needs God's love and that is what I want to bring to people all over the world. In class today this verse came up: Acts 14:22, "strengthening the disciples and encouraging them to remain true to the faith. “We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God,” they said." Immediately, I thought of my friend in Cambodia and what it would be like if I go overseas. We have hard, tough, and very scary times in our lives, but we are built up by them and grow closer to God through them.
I just want to go somewhere where all the people have and need to live on is love. I want to go teach in another country and just love these kids who may not know love. I want to tell them about Jesus. I want to wrap them in my arms and tell them that it will all be okay.
Monday, January 21, 2013
I am single and it's OKAY!
This is from the perspective of someone who does not take relationships lightly. I believe that hearts are meant to be protected. So as you read this, think serious relationships, not those things that high schoolers throw around like a dodge ball.
I am 23 years old, a senior in college, and single.
Ahhhhhh!? What?! She is single and about to graduate? Poor thing, she'll never get married!
If these are the thoughts that went through your head then NEWS FLASH being single is okay. And don't feel bad it has gone through other people's heads as well.
I have found that once you reach my age or my point of college people start to freak out, either you yourself or everyone else for you, if you aren't dating someone, engaged, or married. The pressures to be in a relationship come from everywhere, family, friends, strangers who know your grandma and think they can match make for you, and the media. But I am here to say that the last few years of singleness have made me a better person and have been exactly what I needed.
Let's just start off with me admitting a thing or two... or three. First, I am selfish. Second, relationships scare me. Third, I have a better Love then this world can offer me.
You may be asking yourself, "Did she just say that she was selfish? What a terrible person. We should always be thinking about others, what a horrible thing, to be selfish." Well it maybe, but at least I am honest. I will say I feel that I am less selfish then my early years in college but it is still there. For a person to invest time, emotions, and love into someone is a big thing and should not be taken lightly. You have to stop always thinking about your needs and start thinking about theirs and this can be a hard task. I think that it is human nature to think about yourself first, protect yourself, fight for yourself, love yourself. Not saying that these things in certain amounts aren't okay, but we, me included, have too much of it.
Now you may be asking yourself, "What is there to be scared of in relationships? Really, this seems ridiculous." Well, relationships are terrifying because you never know how bad you will end up hurt. It's not about if you will get hurt, it's about how bad. Every relationship has it's ups and downs and take work and it scares me think that I may invest my time, emotions, and love into someone who will abuse them and end up hurting me. Although when picking the right person the ups will out way the downs. Hearts are not to be toyed with and relationships are a serious thing. Even though you may not believe that from looking at the divorce rate all around us.
Your last thought may now be something like this, "A better Love? Capital L... here goes that Jesus talk again..." or "Amen, sista, preach it! Jesus is the only love you need" Yes, I am about to talk about Jesus and yes He is the only love you need, but there is so much more that God has created us for... God has created us for relationships, relationships with Him and others. Most importantly is having a relationship with Him and in this time of singleness God and I have a lot to work on and try to figure out. I am confident that in His timing everything will work together for my good, because I love Him and that is a promise He makes me (Romans 8:28). If that means finding a guy or being single, it is in God's hands.
So please people, stop asking your grandma if she knows a nice man who will date me. Know that for me at this time being single is a blessing and I have full confidence in God's plan even if I don't always understand it. When you have that friend that is graduating or graduated only help if they want it, they maybe perfectly content where they are.
Below you will find a song that is a constant prayer in my life for God to be my everything. Listen and soak in the words. I hope it is your prayer as well.
I am 23 years old, a senior in college, and single.
Ahhhhhh!? What?! She is single and about to graduate? Poor thing, she'll never get married!
If these are the thoughts that went through your head then NEWS FLASH being single is okay. And don't feel bad it has gone through other people's heads as well.
I have found that once you reach my age or my point of college people start to freak out, either you yourself or everyone else for you, if you aren't dating someone, engaged, or married. The pressures to be in a relationship come from everywhere, family, friends, strangers who know your grandma and think they can match make for you, and the media. But I am here to say that the last few years of singleness have made me a better person and have been exactly what I needed.
Let's just start off with me admitting a thing or two... or three. First, I am selfish. Second, relationships scare me. Third, I have a better Love then this world can offer me.
You may be asking yourself, "Did she just say that she was selfish? What a terrible person. We should always be thinking about others, what a horrible thing, to be selfish." Well it maybe, but at least I am honest. I will say I feel that I am less selfish then my early years in college but it is still there. For a person to invest time, emotions, and love into someone is a big thing and should not be taken lightly. You have to stop always thinking about your needs and start thinking about theirs and this can be a hard task. I think that it is human nature to think about yourself first, protect yourself, fight for yourself, love yourself. Not saying that these things in certain amounts aren't okay, but we, me included, have too much of it.
Now you may be asking yourself, "What is there to be scared of in relationships? Really, this seems ridiculous." Well, relationships are terrifying because you never know how bad you will end up hurt. It's not about if you will get hurt, it's about how bad. Every relationship has it's ups and downs and take work and it scares me think that I may invest my time, emotions, and love into someone who will abuse them and end up hurting me. Although when picking the right person the ups will out way the downs. Hearts are not to be toyed with and relationships are a serious thing. Even though you may not believe that from looking at the divorce rate all around us.
Your last thought may now be something like this, "A better Love? Capital L... here goes that Jesus talk again..." or "Amen, sista, preach it! Jesus is the only love you need" Yes, I am about to talk about Jesus and yes He is the only love you need, but there is so much more that God has created us for... God has created us for relationships, relationships with Him and others. Most importantly is having a relationship with Him and in this time of singleness God and I have a lot to work on and try to figure out. I am confident that in His timing everything will work together for my good, because I love Him and that is a promise He makes me (Romans 8:28). If that means finding a guy or being single, it is in God's hands.
So please people, stop asking your grandma if she knows a nice man who will date me. Know that for me at this time being single is a blessing and I have full confidence in God's plan even if I don't always understand it. When you have that friend that is graduating or graduated only help if they want it, they maybe perfectly content where they are.
Below you will find a song that is a constant prayer in my life for God to be my everything. Listen and soak in the words. I hope it is your prayer as well.
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