I am single and it's OKAY!

This is from the perspective of someone who does not take relationships lightly. I believe that hearts are meant to be protected. So as you read this, think serious relationships, not those things that high schoolers throw around like a dodge ball.

I am 23 years old, a senior in college, and single.

Ahhhhhh!? What?! She is single and about to graduate? Poor thing, she'll never get married!
If these are the thoughts that went through your head then NEWS FLASH being single is okay. And don't feel bad it has gone through other people's heads as well.

I have found that once you reach my age or my point of college people start to freak out, either you yourself or everyone else for you, if you aren't dating someone, engaged, or married. The pressures to be in a relationship come from everywhere, family, friends, strangers who know your grandma and think they can match make for you, and the media. But I am here to say that the last few years of singleness have made me a better person and have been exactly what I needed.

Let's just start off with me admitting a thing or two... or three. First, I am selfish. Second, relationships scare me. Third, I have a better Love then this world can offer me.

You may be asking yourself, "Did she just say that she was selfish? What a terrible person. We should always be thinking about others, what a horrible thing, to be selfish." Well it maybe, but at least I am honest. I will say I feel that I am less selfish then my early years in college but it is still there. For a person to invest time, emotions, and love into someone is a big thing and should not be taken lightly. You have to stop always thinking about your needs and start thinking about theirs and this can be a hard task. I think that it is human nature to think about yourself first, protect yourself, fight for yourself, love yourself. Not saying that these things in certain amounts aren't okay, but we, me included, have too much of it.

Now you may be asking yourself, "What is there to be scared of in relationships? Really, this seems ridiculous." Well, relationships are terrifying because you never know how bad you will end up hurt. It's not about if you will get hurt, it's about how bad. Every relationship has it's ups and downs and take work and it scares me think that I may invest my time, emotions, and love into someone who will abuse them and end up hurting me. Although when picking the right person the ups will out way the downs. Hearts are not to be toyed with and relationships are a serious thing. Even though you may not believe that from looking at the divorce rate all around us.

Your last thought may now be something like this, "A better Love? Capital L... here goes that Jesus talk again..." or "Amen, sista, preach it! Jesus is the only love you need" Yes, I am about to talk about Jesus and yes He is the only love you need, but there is so much more that God has created us for... God has created us for relationships, relationships with Him and others. Most importantly is having a relationship with Him and in this time of singleness God and I have a lot to work on and try to figure out. I am confident that in His timing everything will work together for my good, because I love Him and that is a promise He makes me (Romans 8:28). If that means finding a guy or being single, it is in God's hands.

So please people, stop asking your grandma if she knows a nice man who will date me. Know that for me at this time being single is a blessing and I have full confidence in God's plan even if I don't always understand it. When you have that friend that is graduating or graduated only help if they want it, they maybe perfectly content where they are.
Below you will find a song that is a constant prayer in my life for God to be my everything. Listen and soak in the words. I hope it is your prayer as well.

Joys of January

This January is going to be such a huge spirit booster in my life. I have friends whom I have not seen in months or even years coming to visit. My camp director, Wendy, comes at the end of the month, Jamison comes on Monday, and Allison is back on Sunday.
Today Tyler got in. It has been a year and half since we have seen each other and communication is not our strong point. He is one of my best friends and someone I know I can tell everything to and he will not think any differently of me and also keep it to himself.
I have needed this. My trust issues have become more apparent to me then ever before. Things bother me and I just sweep them under the rug by putting a smile on my face and sugar coating it or by ignoring the situation all together. Even when I feel like I am drowning in something, I often think that it is easier or better to sink then swim.
I am so thankful that God knows whom we need in our lives when. What a great reminder of how He cares about us and uses other to reflect Him. And this is exactly who I needed at this moment.

Life After Task Forcing is HARD!

No one said life after task forcing would be this hard.

I have a constant ache in my heart because I miss my girls, teaching, coaching, "parenting", serving, and connecting. I feel out of place, selfish, alone, matured, unsettled and misunderstood.

I have experienced things that no one else can fully understand. I have lived a year in ministry and built relationships to the point of loving deeply but had to leave it all behind. School is about me and what I want to do, task forcing was about others and how I could serve them.

So where does this leave me now? What am I going to do with the knowledge I have gained? I have always been a fan of the saying, "if you don't like something, change it." Well, that's what I am working on. How can I change this? How can I find the place where I feel like I am constantly serving others again while balancing the craziness of school, family, and friends?

I am not sure of the answer to this, but I know that God will provide a way. He takes care of His children, He never fails.
Isaiah 42:16 holds a promise that I cling to more now then ever, "I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them." This is the unfamiliar path, this is the darkness, this is the rough place and my One True Love will not forsake me.

Sorry!

So I just got my computer back after over a month of not having it. Now I can blog again! :) Sorry for not blogging for SO long!

Be What You Should Be

I recently experienced the best weekend of my life. Well, I say that about almost every new weekend that comes because I just love life but you get the picture. I traveled to Andrews University to see Gungor live in concert with some of my closest friends. We often sing Gungor songs at vespers or church but to actually be able to worship with Gungor was such a blessing.

Michael Gungor sang a song called Song for my Family. It reminded me of my family because of a line that says, "This is a song for my family who just can’t believe in the Jesus that you’ve seen on Sunday morning." This hit me like a bag of bricks. I felt like he was singing to me. But I realized this song wasn't about the people who didn't believe. This song was for me; about those of us who live "inside the walls on Sunday morning". It is a song that calls us to a high standard of living. Of not rejecting, judging, and bringing others down. Of living as an example of Christ so others can believe in Him. Here are the lyrics, but better yet Youtube the song and soak in the words.

This is a song for my family outside the walls of Sunday morning from some within.
This is a song to confess our sins, lay it all out, and try to begin again.
To hope again.

Please forgive our ignorance in looking down on you
Please forgive our selfishness for hiding in our pews while the world bleeds
While the world needs us to be what we should be

This is a song for my family who just can’t believe in the Jesus that you’ve seen on Sunday morning.
This is a song for the cynical saints. The burned out and hopeless. The ones that we’ve cast away.
I feel your pain.

Please forgive the wastefulness of all that we could be, but don’t forget, there’s more than this
Her beauty still exists
His bride is still alive
His bride is still alive
His bride is still alive
His bride is still alive
His bride is still alive

This is a song for my family inside the walls of Sunday morning.
Be what you should be.


Lord, help me be what I should be.

I am

I am Courtney
I am 23 years old
I am a twin
I am an adventurer
I am a student
and I am done trying to "find myself"

Who I am is not what is important,
it's who I serve and how I reflect Him that is
I want to find more Jesus, not more me

"I am part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made—I am a disciple of His.

I won’t look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure. I’m finished and done with low living, sight walking, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, worldly-talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need pre-eminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don’t have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded or rewarded. I now live by faith, lean on His presence, walk by patience, am uplifted by prayer and I labor with power. My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are few, my Guide is reliable, my mission is clear.

I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, hired away, turned back, diluted, or delayed.
I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of the adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, pander at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.

I won’t give up, shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, preached up, prayed up, paid up, stored up for the cause of Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus, I must go till He comes, give till I drop, preach till all know and work till He stops me. And when He comes to claim His own, He’ll have no problems recognizing me. My banner will be clear!"

This is my prayer. That I can have faith like this.
All I want is more of Jesus.

My Life Needs To Change

After returning from task forcing I have found myself at a very low point in my life. I could not figure out what caused this until recently. As a task force worker you spend no time thinking about yourself. It is completely focused on ministry and the people around you. I loved it and now that I am back in school I feel selfish. My strongest desire right now is to serve ALL THE TIME. Not just a trip to the City Mission on Fridays but ALL the time.
Here are my slightly scattered thoughts about how my life needs to change and what I feel God is tugging at my heart strings with.

My heart is troubled. I have found that the church has a giant hole in it. As Adventists our typical Sabbath looks like this: Wake up late, eat breakfast, go to church, eat MASSIVE lunch, take too long of a nap, hang out with friends. This was pointed out to me by a friend who is Atheist. He saw this and questioned what we stood for. Why are we "wasting" our Sabbath. We call ourselves Christians but there is nothing Christian about what is listed above.
And here is the conclusion I have come to: Right now, we do waste the Sabbath with those very things. But it is only a waste because of how 99.9% of us spend the rest of the week, me included. I believe that if we spent the week taking care of others, feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, watching after widows and orphans, and building spiritual, mental, and physical relationship with all those in need then by the time Sabbath came we would be so exhausted that we could use the Sabbath for what it is. A day of rest and spiritual reconnection, after a week of giving all you have for Jesus. People in need want something so much more than our offering or even, yes I am about to say this, our prayers. They need relationships and connections. A face that smiles, a heart that cares, ears that listen, and hands and feet that move to make a difference. They need JESUS. And since He is no longer on Earth, we need to be their "Jesus".

Think for a second about the life of Christ. How much time did He spend sleeping in, eating massive meals, and taking naps? He spent His time with the nastiest, filthiest people you could find (Luke 5:13, John 8:3-8), healing the broken (Mark 10:51-52), and feeding the hungry (Mark 6:37-42). What are we doing with our lives? Mark Twain once said, "It's not the parts of the Bible I don't understand that scare me, but the parts I do understand." If we are really working to be more like Jesus then why do we know that these are the things He did, but we do not do them ourselves? Luke 6:40 says, "A student is not above his teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like his teacher." If Jesus is our teacher and guide then we should be like Him. I have not lived as a living, breathing representation of Jesus and I think that it is time for change in my life.