So recently me and one of my best friends Michael headed down 17th street to one of our favorite restaurants, The Greatful Bread. If you have never been, please go and check it out, you won't regret it.
As we sat and ate we started talking about our futures. He asked me where I thought I would end up teaching and if I still planned on going overseas to do The World Race. I told him about all the options I was debating but not really worrying too much about it because where I end up is ultimately God's decision. Then he proceeded to tell me about a book.
This book is entitled, The Irresistible Revolution. I had actually just heard about this book for the first time this summer, when some friend suggested I read it, but have yet to get my hands on a copy. Michael told me that the author, Shane Claiborne, says something like we should not bother planning our lives because God will "mess up" our plans with His, He does it a lot through out the Bible.
I really liked this a lot because that is how God has revealed Himself to me mostly over the last few years. Just teaching me to wait on Him and know that His plans are higher and better than mine.
I am so glad to be blessed such amazing friends and family in my life. They build me up, keep me going, and bring me back when I have lost my way. Thank you Lord for relationships and community, it really is a beautiful thing.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
It's broken
Growing up I never had to worry about who my best friend was. There was never any question of who I would have a play date with, plan sleepovers, or get the privilege of setting a volleyball to. I never had to worry about it until we grew up.
Most of you wouldn't understand what it is like growing up with a twin. You go through the highest of highs and lowest of lows with someone by your side. It's something that I will never be able to fully explain, but I feel so blessed to have had this in my life. Recently, I have realized how much me and my sister have not only grown up, but also grown apart. The thought alone almost brings me to tears.
It seemed to have started after our senior year of high school. I went to work at summer camp and my sister stayed in Nebraska doing, honestly, I don't know what. But when I came back after that summer things had changed. We had changed. It was clear that we were picking two very different roads in life. I picked a school that grew me spiritually and mentally and God used it to point me in the right direction for my life. She chose our volleyball scholarship, only to later quit the team, have her school close down, pick a major she doesn't love and party hard which broke a connection between us that may never be repaired.
I will never forget that first Sabbath that I sat in the pew alone.
I will never forget the words, "if you haven't noticed, church really isn't my thing anymore."
My sister told me this after many weeks of me asking her to go to vespers with me. Talk about a knife in the back... To some people this doesn't seem like much but to me it was the most heart wrenching thing I had heard in a long time. My family doesn't go to church and never has. Growing up my grandparents always took my sister and I to church so in my house she was my support. She was by my side. I lost that but as time has gone on I have accepted it and just continue to pray for her.
We are even more distant now then ever before and now is when I need her the most. I have found out things from other people that she no longer chooses to tell me and it hurts. It makes me question what I am doing wrong and what I did that would bring her to this point. I don't know how it got this way but all that I can pray for is a repaired relationship. I just need her so badly right now.
Most of you wouldn't understand what it is like growing up with a twin. You go through the highest of highs and lowest of lows with someone by your side. It's something that I will never be able to fully explain, but I feel so blessed to have had this in my life. Recently, I have realized how much me and my sister have not only grown up, but also grown apart. The thought alone almost brings me to tears.
It seemed to have started after our senior year of high school. I went to work at summer camp and my sister stayed in Nebraska doing, honestly, I don't know what. But when I came back after that summer things had changed. We had changed. It was clear that we were picking two very different roads in life. I picked a school that grew me spiritually and mentally and God used it to point me in the right direction for my life. She chose our volleyball scholarship, only to later quit the team, have her school close down, pick a major she doesn't love and party hard which broke a connection between us that may never be repaired.
I will never forget that first Sabbath that I sat in the pew alone.
I will never forget the words, "if you haven't noticed, church really isn't my thing anymore."
My sister told me this after many weeks of me asking her to go to vespers with me. Talk about a knife in the back... To some people this doesn't seem like much but to me it was the most heart wrenching thing I had heard in a long time. My family doesn't go to church and never has. Growing up my grandparents always took my sister and I to church so in my house she was my support. She was by my side. I lost that but as time has gone on I have accepted it and just continue to pray for her.
We are even more distant now then ever before and now is when I need her the most. I have found out things from other people that she no longer chooses to tell me and it hurts. It makes me question what I am doing wrong and what I did that would bring her to this point. I don't know how it got this way but all that I can pray for is a repaired relationship. I just need her so badly right now.
Friday, September 14, 2012
The Struggles Make You Stonger
I am not who I was before I left to task force and honestly, I don't like it.
The thing is, I would say that task forcing grew me spiritually, mentally, and emotionally and I should be proud and ready to move on the next phase of life.
But I'm not.
Maybe it's just some weird funk I have been in lately or maybe I realize that growing up means getting older and leaving precious things behind. Either way, it's uncomfortable.
The things that I once found solace in and that made me feel normal, now seem to alienate me and put me in a strange mood.
I am lost, searching for this part of me that was there just over a year ago and now is nowhere to be found. I am looking for answers. I was told and I knew that following God's plan for my life for a year was going to change me, but why am I not okay with it now?
I thought I had come to terms with "different being a good thing", maybe I haven't. Or maybe I just don't like this constant change happening around me and the lack of consistency that seems ever present in my life. I have lived in three different states in the last 5 months building relationships, only to leave them behind; returning home to friends who moved off without a good bye; showing up to a school were I once knew everyone and now am surrounded by strangers.
It's a struggle but like Gary Allan once sang, "But the struggles make you stronger and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time. No, life ain't always beautiful, the tears will fall sometimes. Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride."
I am just glad to say that I have some consistency no matter what happens, even when I don't feel it. I have a God who never changes. Who loves me when I don't love me (or Him). Who never breaks our relationship, leaves when I return, says goodbye or is a stranger to my life. Life is changing, I am changing. It's a struggle, but I have a promise to hold on to.
Hebrews 13:8 - "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever."
The thing is, I would say that task forcing grew me spiritually, mentally, and emotionally and I should be proud and ready to move on the next phase of life.
But I'm not.
Maybe it's just some weird funk I have been in lately or maybe I realize that growing up means getting older and leaving precious things behind. Either way, it's uncomfortable.
The things that I once found solace in and that made me feel normal, now seem to alienate me and put me in a strange mood.
I am lost, searching for this part of me that was there just over a year ago and now is nowhere to be found. I am looking for answers. I was told and I knew that following God's plan for my life for a year was going to change me, but why am I not okay with it now?
I thought I had come to terms with "different being a good thing", maybe I haven't. Or maybe I just don't like this constant change happening around me and the lack of consistency that seems ever present in my life. I have lived in three different states in the last 5 months building relationships, only to leave them behind; returning home to friends who moved off without a good bye; showing up to a school were I once knew everyone and now am surrounded by strangers.
It's a struggle but like Gary Allan once sang, "But the struggles make you stronger and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time. No, life ain't always beautiful, the tears will fall sometimes. Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride."
I am just glad to say that I have some consistency no matter what happens, even when I don't feel it. I have a God who never changes. Who loves me when I don't love me (or Him). Who never breaks our relationship, leaves when I return, says goodbye or is a stranger to my life. Life is changing, I am changing. It's a struggle, but I have a promise to hold on to.
Hebrews 13:8 - "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever."
Friday, September 7, 2012
Project Impact 2012
Project Impact 2012 just happened and what a blessing it was. I was more involved with it this year than any year before. Jayme did such a wonderful job leading out and it was a great success.
As I saw news cameras and heard about people going to radio stations to interview it made me ask myself a question: "What would I tell someone Project Impact was about and what does it mean to me?" So I searched and I found that Project Impact meant this:
1. Loving - The number one most important thing in life and what Jesus has called us to do. Loving others. Although I may not have directly worked with anyone one-on-one I know that I helped love someone that day, by just doing the simple things like cleaning and smiling.
2. Giving - Giving back to the community that have I grown up in and love so much. Giving to organizations and people who make a much bigger difference in people's lives then I ever feel like I could.
3. Service - A day time to step away from my selfishness and to serve those who really needed me. Like Christ who came to Earth to serve people, I was blessed by being able to reflect Him.
As I saw news cameras and heard about people going to radio stations to interview it made me ask myself a question: "What would I tell someone Project Impact was about and what does it mean to me?" So I searched and I found that Project Impact meant this:
1. Loving - The number one most important thing in life and what Jesus has called us to do. Loving others. Although I may not have directly worked with anyone one-on-one I know that I helped love someone that day, by just doing the simple things like cleaning and smiling.
2. Giving - Giving back to the community that have I grown up in and love so much. Giving to organizations and people who make a much bigger difference in people's lives then I ever feel like I could.
3. Service - A day time to step away from my selfishness and to serve those who really needed me. Like Christ who came to Earth to serve people, I was blessed by being able to reflect Him.
Galatians 5:13
13 You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Transitions.
My last few months of task forcing were heart wrenching. Not only was I dealing with home sickness and the thought of having to tell my newly adopted 12 daughters good bye, but also tragedies.
During our alumni basketball game, one of our alumni died on the court during the game. Then I was dealing with a girl in my dorm who was sick only to find out that she had cancer. So I left task forcing empty and with a hole in my heart. (Don't get me wrong, task forcing was an AMAZING experience that grew me in ways that I never thought possible and I wouldn't trade for ANYTHING)
Next stop, Camp MiVoden. Another new place to meet new people and just try to survive. I must admit the first few weeks were a disaster for me. I struggled feeling like I was making friends and put forth the least amount of effort I have ever at camp because I was so empty. God is good and I made it through another summer and was used by God to bring kids closer to Him this summer.
Now... wow... I am back at Union. The place where I felt home and where I felt I belonged. And don't get me wrong, I still feel that, but this is not the same school I once attended. So many new faces. I am LOVING being back in school and meeting new people. I am making the transition and learning that different, no matter how many different things I have ran into through the past year, is good. Now I feel my struggle is my passion for ministry. I know it's there, I just can't seem to find it. It makes me frustrated and angry and being in Campus Ministering its an important aspect to have. I know it's in me, just where is it hiding? Suggestions for new ministries would be wonderful! I am looking for new and exciting things, especially in the outreach aspect. Brain storm with me friends.
I miss my Newbury Park family, but I am home and have an even clearer picture of what God wants to do with my life and I am so thankful for that. So bring on the newness and changes of life because I have been made stronger and am ready to take life head on with God by myside.
During our alumni basketball game, one of our alumni died on the court during the game. Then I was dealing with a girl in my dorm who was sick only to find out that she had cancer. So I left task forcing empty and with a hole in my heart. (Don't get me wrong, task forcing was an AMAZING experience that grew me in ways that I never thought possible and I wouldn't trade for ANYTHING)
Next stop, Camp MiVoden. Another new place to meet new people and just try to survive. I must admit the first few weeks were a disaster for me. I struggled feeling like I was making friends and put forth the least amount of effort I have ever at camp because I was so empty. God is good and I made it through another summer and was used by God to bring kids closer to Him this summer.
Now... wow... I am back at Union. The place where I felt home and where I felt I belonged. And don't get me wrong, I still feel that, but this is not the same school I once attended. So many new faces. I am LOVING being back in school and meeting new people. I am making the transition and learning that different, no matter how many different things I have ran into through the past year, is good. Now I feel my struggle is my passion for ministry. I know it's there, I just can't seem to find it. It makes me frustrated and angry and being in Campus Ministering its an important aspect to have. I know it's in me, just where is it hiding? Suggestions for new ministries would be wonderful! I am looking for new and exciting things, especially in the outreach aspect. Brain storm with me friends.
I miss my Newbury Park family, but I am home and have an even clearer picture of what God wants to do with my life and I am so thankful for that. So bring on the newness and changes of life because I have been made stronger and am ready to take life head on with God by myside.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
How Can I Be So Forgetful?
Just like the Israelites I can be so forgetful of what God has done in my life. A couple months ago I was reading through Exodus and I marked multiple places in my Bible where I couldn't understand how the Israelites could be so forgetful to what God had done for them coming out of Egypt. They saw the mighty hand of God working right in front of them in Egypt, were provided with food and water, and had a pillar of light guiding them. I felt that there was no way they could keep complaining and forgetting that God WILL pull them through, He ALWAYS does.
I felt that way until a couple weeks ago, then I understood. I understood the frustration and confusion. As I wrote in my previous blog, the one about God pulling me out of my comfort zone, I had forgotten what God had done in the past for me in the same situation I just dealt with.
When I was trying to decide what college to go to in 2008 I made a pact with God. (I often make pacts with God... I think it is just an easier way for me to see what He wants for me in my life) Anyway, I was stuck between where I was going to go: Dana College and take my volleyball scholarship or Union College. I told God that if I got hired at the camp that I had applied for months before then it would be His sign to me that I am supposed to go to Union. If not, I would go to Dana and play volleyball. The Dana volleyball coach told me she was calling me on a certain day so that was when I had to have my mind made up. Well, that day came around and I figured that I was going to end up at Dana, because I hadn't heard anything from the camp. Little did I know God had much bigger and different plans for my life. I got a call just THREE HOURS before the Dana coach called me and I got a job at camp. Boom, there was my answer so I ended up at Union. (And love every min of it!)
Back to my previous blog about comfort zones... I had three camp job offers. One I turned down right away but then was stuck between a job at ICC or MiVoden. Time passed and I got the idea that the job at MiVoden was no longer available so I told God that if I got the Girl's Director position at ICC it was my sign to work at camp otherwise I was going to be doing something else with my summer. I called, and the position had just been filled the week before. My heart broke. I was frustrated. I was confused. I love camp so much but it just meant God had other plans even if I didn't completely understand them at the moment.
I left for a week long mission trip and when I returned I had voice message and text from ICC telling me they had a job for me. I took it as God showing me I really needed to work at camp so I was fully prepared to call them the next day and accept the job. I was so excited, until the next morning.
I woke up to facebook message from my former camp director/new director at MiVoden's husband saying I needed to email her ASAP because she had a job for me. I contacted her and she told me this: "I will get right to the point since both of us r on mission trips. I asked Ed to FB u this morning and have u email me. I didn't bring any camp business with me. When I woke up this morning God impressed me to contact u. I did save a job for u. Was just going to contact u when I got back, but God said, no do it now." That's when I knew that God was calling me to camp, but which one?
After much prayer and talking it over with many people I felt I needed to take the job at MiVoden, so that is where I will be this summer. Working at camp, like I didn't think I was... God has a way of teaching me patience and trust that I tend to forget about. I love the way He works everything out for me when I ask Him. The words of Matthew 7:8 have become so real to me through these experiences. Now I just need to learn to remember, hold on to that promise, and wait patiently for God to answer.
I found these words on Pinterest and wrote them on my mirror to help me remember:
Trust in His timing
Rely on His promises
Wait for His answers
Believe in His miracles
Rejoice in His goodness
Relax in His presence
I felt that way until a couple weeks ago, then I understood. I understood the frustration and confusion. As I wrote in my previous blog, the one about God pulling me out of my comfort zone, I had forgotten what God had done in the past for me in the same situation I just dealt with.
When I was trying to decide what college to go to in 2008 I made a pact with God. (I often make pacts with God... I think it is just an easier way for me to see what He wants for me in my life) Anyway, I was stuck between where I was going to go: Dana College and take my volleyball scholarship or Union College. I told God that if I got hired at the camp that I had applied for months before then it would be His sign to me that I am supposed to go to Union. If not, I would go to Dana and play volleyball. The Dana volleyball coach told me she was calling me on a certain day so that was when I had to have my mind made up. Well, that day came around and I figured that I was going to end up at Dana, because I hadn't heard anything from the camp. Little did I know God had much bigger and different plans for my life. I got a call just THREE HOURS before the Dana coach called me and I got a job at camp. Boom, there was my answer so I ended up at Union. (And love every min of it!)
Back to my previous blog about comfort zones... I had three camp job offers. One I turned down right away but then was stuck between a job at ICC or MiVoden. Time passed and I got the idea that the job at MiVoden was no longer available so I told God that if I got the Girl's Director position at ICC it was my sign to work at camp otherwise I was going to be doing something else with my summer. I called, and the position had just been filled the week before. My heart broke. I was frustrated. I was confused. I love camp so much but it just meant God had other plans even if I didn't completely understand them at the moment.
I left for a week long mission trip and when I returned I had voice message and text from ICC telling me they had a job for me. I took it as God showing me I really needed to work at camp so I was fully prepared to call them the next day and accept the job. I was so excited, until the next morning.
I woke up to facebook message from my former camp director/new director at MiVoden's husband saying I needed to email her ASAP because she had a job for me. I contacted her and she told me this: "I will get right to the point since both of us r on mission trips. I asked Ed to FB u this morning and have u email me. I didn't bring any camp business with me. When I woke up this morning God impressed me to contact u. I did save a job for u. Was just going to contact u when I got back, but God said, no do it now." That's when I knew that God was calling me to camp, but which one?
After much prayer and talking it over with many people I felt I needed to take the job at MiVoden, so that is where I will be this summer. Working at camp, like I didn't think I was... God has a way of teaching me patience and trust that I tend to forget about. I love the way He works everything out for me when I ask Him. The words of Matthew 7:8 have become so real to me through these experiences. Now I just need to learn to remember, hold on to that promise, and wait patiently for God to answer.
I found these words on Pinterest and wrote them on my mirror to help me remember:
Trust in His timing
Rely on His promises
Wait for His answers
Believe in His miracles
Rejoice in His goodness
Relax in His presence
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Comfort Zone?
I feel like I gave up one of the constants in my life, a big comfort zone for me. I have a deep passion for summer camp and the way God works though kids lives there and this summer I have turned down the opportunity to work at three different camps. It hurt so bad, but I made a deal with God saying that if I didn't get hired at one place then it was my sign that I wasn't supposed to work at camp. Well you can already see how that phone call went.
I received a phone call on Thursday that asked me if I would be willing to consider the job of being one of the main spiritual leaders on campus at Union next year. It terrified me, but the more I talked to people about it, the more I prayed about it the more I felt that maybe it was something I could handle. Even the talk that the week of prayer pastor had made me believe that that is what God had in store for me. The next afternoon I received a text saying that they had selected the person that was "running against me". I hadn't even had 24 hours to mill it over and it was taken from me. I was excited to do something way out of my comfort zone and find a new way to connect with my classmates.
Moving to California, away from my family and friends wasn't something I had in mind that I would ever be doing. But after turning down God's call once, I couldn't let it happen twice. I am now almost done with my school year in California, I can't believe I was so terrified to leave my comfort zone and move here. God has been more that God in every way.
The reason I write this is because after that phone call and after turning down summer camp I was devastated. I felt more lost then I had been in a long time. I was and still am so confused about what God is doing in my life this summer and next school year. I know I shouldn't worry about tomorrow, but it's my natural human state.
Well I brought this up to a friend and she told me that is God pulling me out of my comfort zone. When I heard this I burned with anger. I felt that it was a cop out answer, even though I knew that that is what she felt in her heart was going on. I don't know if I believe that. I know that the position at Union would have been nowhere near in my comfort zone. I like to think that there is so much more behind it then just God testing me and pulling me out of my comfort zone, but that always seems to be the answer I receive. Maybe I am just a little frustrated and don't understand God right now.
I received a phone call on Thursday that asked me if I would be willing to consider the job of being one of the main spiritual leaders on campus at Union next year. It terrified me, but the more I talked to people about it, the more I prayed about it the more I felt that maybe it was something I could handle. Even the talk that the week of prayer pastor had made me believe that that is what God had in store for me. The next afternoon I received a text saying that they had selected the person that was "running against me". I hadn't even had 24 hours to mill it over and it was taken from me. I was excited to do something way out of my comfort zone and find a new way to connect with my classmates.
Moving to California, away from my family and friends wasn't something I had in mind that I would ever be doing. But after turning down God's call once, I couldn't let it happen twice. I am now almost done with my school year in California, I can't believe I was so terrified to leave my comfort zone and move here. God has been more that God in every way.
The reason I write this is because after that phone call and after turning down summer camp I was devastated. I felt more lost then I had been in a long time. I was and still am so confused about what God is doing in my life this summer and next school year. I know I shouldn't worry about tomorrow, but it's my natural human state.
Well I brought this up to a friend and she told me that is God pulling me out of my comfort zone. When I heard this I burned with anger. I felt that it was a cop out answer, even though I knew that that is what she felt in her heart was going on. I don't know if I believe that. I know that the position at Union would have been nowhere near in my comfort zone. I like to think that there is so much more behind it then just God testing me and pulling me out of my comfort zone, but that always seems to be the answer I receive. Maybe I am just a little frustrated and don't understand God right now.
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