Comfort Zone?

I feel like I gave up one of the constants in my life, a big comfort zone for me. I have a deep passion for summer camp and the way God works though kids lives there and this summer I have turned down the opportunity to work at three different camps. It hurt so bad, but I made a deal with God saying that if I didn't get hired at one place then it was my sign that I wasn't supposed to work at camp. Well you can already see how that phone call went.

I received a phone call on Thursday that asked me if I would be willing to consider the job of being one of the main spiritual leaders on campus at Union next year. It terrified me, but the more I talked to people about it, the more I prayed about it the more I felt that maybe it was something I could handle. Even the talk that the week of prayer pastor had made me believe that that is what God had in store for me. The next afternoon I received a text saying that they had selected the person that was "running against me". I hadn't even had 24 hours to mill it over and it was taken from me. I was excited to do something way out of my comfort zone and find a new way to connect with my classmates.

Moving to California, away from my family and friends wasn't something I had in mind that I would ever be doing. But after turning down God's call once, I couldn't let it happen twice. I am now almost done with my school year in California, I can't believe I was so terrified to leave my comfort zone and move here. God has been more that God in every way.

The reason I write this is because after that phone call and after turning down summer camp I was devastated. I felt more lost then I had been in a long time. I was and still am so confused about what God is doing in my life this summer and next school year. I know I shouldn't worry about tomorrow, but it's my natural human state.
Well I brought this up to a friend and she told me that is God pulling me out of my comfort zone. When I heard this I burned with anger. I felt that it was a cop out answer, even though I knew that that is what she felt in her heart was going on. I don't know if I believe that. I know that the position at Union would have been nowhere near in my comfort zone. I like to think that there is so much more behind it then just God testing me and pulling me out of my comfort zone, but that always seems to be the answer I receive. Maybe I am just a little frustrated and don't understand God right now.

Failure is not an option.

My goal as a task force dean has been to have the biggest impact on my girls and students as I possible can, especially in a spiritual sense. Recently I feel like I have failed that goal.

After a basketball game I was walking home and saw one of my girls boyfriends leaving from the direction of the dorm. Thinking nothing of it I walked up to door and as I was opening it she was in the doorway with tears in her eyes and a dozen roses. She immediatly threw them in the trash can and stormed off the other way crying. It's over. Their years worth of a relationship has ended and her is heart and soul are broken. I didn't want to say anything at the moment so I just let her cool off and left my bed room door open so she could stop by if needed. I stayed up late hoping she would show up and she never did.

This brought my mind to where I have failed in creating a relationship with my girls where they don't want to talk to me about the worst of things that are happening in thier lives. Why I wasn't someone she trusted to talk to about it. All I want to do is help people and it hurts when I can't.
Now looking back on this experience I was probably being overdramatic. For all I know, she went straight to bed without talking to anyone. I just hate to see my girls hurting.

Failure is not an option with what I am doing out here this year. I have realized over the years that when God calls you to do something for Him, you can't fail unless you give up. I feel like Satan has filled me with a lot of doubt recently in my job and my ministry to these kids. Prayers please!

Wearing Thin

It's been a long haul. I have now officially been in California for 7 months and 1 week. I can't believe that I only have 4 months left, but at the same time I am so thankful.

I don't know if I am just dealing with lack of sleep, home sickness, stress of two new girls in my dorm or bottled up emotions but I feel like I am wearing thin. I seem to be tired all the time and I sadly don't get as much joy with being around my girls 24/7 as I used to. I am really longing for my friendships and deep conversations. Those aren't easy to have with high school students.

Tonight was a good night. I had "adult time" and play Settlers with friends, all above the age of 20! Then we had some awesome talks about religion and God. It was something that I needed. I just sat there and soaked it all in. I can't wait to have these conversations on a regular basis again. With the lack of time I get off I feel like I rarely get these opportunities with people. Some days you just need to sit down and have a deep conversation.

I don't like hitting slumps. I feel like it is a time of lack of gratefulness to God for all He has done in my life. I feel like it is falling short of everything that God has planned for me. I know this is just a slump and it will soon be over, and I am thankful for that!

God grant me patience, understanding, words of wisdom, and most importantly love unconditional.

Break Through

I had a break through this weekend and it was perfect.

This last Thursday I drove up the juniors and seniors to Pine Springs Ranch for Bible Camp. I was very reluctant to go at first but little did I know what God had planned for me there.
The first day we just went to one meeting and then had a staff meeting after. There the head pastor told us how our ministry this weekend would be our presence with the kids. By them seeing us at the meetings, it would show them that we care and wanted it to be a great experience. I didn't think twice about it, because of course I was going to be where the kids are, it's my favorite place. What happened on Friday night I never expected.

Friday night rolled around and after a long day of team building activities we had our evening meeting. I was standing among the kids, singing songs, when I noticed one of my students walk by and I just reached out and touched her. When I touched her she turned and hugged my legs (I was standing on a chair). She just stood there for a couple seconds before I asked, "Are you okay, do you need to talk?". She just shook her head 'yes' and off we went.
We went up the stairs to the top floor and sat on the top step. There she started telling me how frustrated she was getting because she was a student leader and wanted this weekend to be perfect and so uplifting for her family group, but there were students there that didn't want to be there. And how she really felt the devil was telling her she wasn't good enough to be a leader, and she was struggling with her boyfriend who didn't have a relationship with God. I told her everything I could, but mostly just listened, because I don't always know what to say. She poured her heart out to me and then I walked her back to her room and we sat down on her bed and I asked her if I could pray for her. It was apparently just what she wanted and I wrapped her in my arms and hugged her the whole time I prayed for her. As I was praying I found a tear running down my face. This was my first big, personal, spiritual experience with a student.

We didn't necessarily come to a conclusion to all her problems, but it was what both of needed at that moment. Often I have felt that I haven't had much of an impact on students in a spiritual sense. I give chapels every month and help out with campus ministries every time I get the chance, but it's hard to see the outcome of those things. This was a real experience and I have been praying that I would have one of those with a student this year. I felt like I could pack my bags and go home after that, although I never would, because I know God is going to use me even more here. The feeling that I got from sharing my experience with God and giving it to someone else is something that can never be replaced and that is what I want to do the rest of my life.

God is so good and continues to surprise me all the time. This year has had it's bumps in the road, but nothing can be so bad that this moment is covered. We have a God that loves us so much and wants us to succeed and I can't wait for that chance to share it with another student.

My future is The World Race?

God has impressed me to be so much more than I am. To reach out to others in ways I never thought I would be able to do. I want nothing more than to be used as His hands and His feet. He as shown me The World Race and I think it will be my next big adventure in life. Even though it maybe 2 years away, I am excited about it now. I can't stop thinking about it and reading other people's blogs about their experiences. It's unbelieveable!

You should all check it out :) www.theworldrace.org

Half of my Heart

I have always heard people talk about how their heart was in two different places. I never understood what that was like until now.

Half of my heart is in Nebraska and the other half has been swept off its feet and landed in California.
I never expected this to happen, but the nearness that I have felt to God, the relationships I have built, the hard times I have made it through, the new adventures I have experienced, and all the growing up I have done have completely changed my life.

The first couple months in California were a nightmare. I wasn't used to the big city with so much traffic (SO much). Things are very different here compared to where I have grown up my whole life and as mush as I hate to say it, I have fallen completely and utterly in love with California.

For some it would be the sunshine, for others it would be the ocean, but for me, it's where I have truly found God and myself. I feel like God has opened my eyes and my heart to what He desires most to do through me. I want to serve others for the rest of my life. I want to give my all to other people and love them like they have never been loved before. I felt like I have always had this desire but California has opened me up to the leaps and bounds that I am now willing to take to completely devote my life to the Lover of my Soul.

Part of me is sad because I couldn't find that in Lincoln, but I think what I needed was to leave my comfort zone of 21 years and come experience something that only God could pull me through. Although I have learned so much about God through everything Lincoln has done for me the other half (or more) I have been taught through California.

With that said, half of my heart will always belong to California and the other to Nebraska, but that split is exactly what I needed.

It WILL Change My Life.

The school I am task forcing at has given me a decision and what I decide will change my life forever.

Newbury Park has offered me a teaching/deaning position. I haven't graduated. I didn't ask for it. I didn't even know it was an option. They are even talking about helping me financially to finish my degree while working there. Now the decision is resting in God's hands.

PLEASE pray for this HUGE decision in my life.